Struggling
by Dalia2
Summary: After the first wave of the quincy invasion, Renji gets a chance to tell his Captain how he really feels. And Byakuya gets a chance not to shred his lieutenant to bits while he's at it. Yaoi. Renji/Byakuya.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first ever Bleach fanfic and my first ever yaoi.  
****I dedicate it to my two favourite writers, Spunky0ne and SesshomaruFreak.  
Thank you for all the awesome stories keeping me on the edge of my seat!  
This fic won't be a long one, just a few chapters, but still I hope you'll like it :)**

**Please bear with me – English is not my native tongue, so I apologize for any mistakes.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. I only wish I did.**

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He had never thought that this day would come – and yet it did.

Rain was battering hard on the rubble-strewn ground – the remains of a once glorious place that the retreating enemy had left in ruins. The redhead's eyes opened slowly as he tried to take in his surroundings. He could not remember what twist of fate had left him senseless on the ground. The hazy, fragmented memories in his head did not make much sense when matched against the knowledge of the world he did remember. Where proud columns once stood, almost tearing the sky, only grey clouds remained; and the city that had once buzzed with life was now reduced to ominous silence disturbed only by the falling rain and the incessant ringing in his ears.

It was futile to blink away the invading raindrops when he felt tiny streams of water slowly sliding down his forehead as if struggling to erase the intricate patterns of his black markings. He tried to move, but ended up barely stirring. His arms and legs were dreadfully numb, and he attributed it to lying on the ground for an extended period of time. After all, he wasn't in much pain. He knew he must have lost consciousness at some point to end up in this sorry state, but even if there were any wounds, the rain had already washed the blood away. He could not be sure, but it was probably just the shock that had made him feel disoriented and weak. He just needed to calm down.

_Get a grip, Abarai._

His resolve faded as a strange feeling fluttered in his chest – a restlessness, a haunting awareness that something absolutely critical had slipped his mind. His brow furrowed as he tried to remember, but the discomfort only increased as scattered images from the morning briefing at the First Division flashed through his head. The stern, wrinkled face of Captain Commander announcing that an unknown enemy had invaded Soul Society; the incredulity reflected on the faces of the Gotei 13 captains. And he realized that when the forces were deployed, he had not left the division quarters alone that day.

"T-taicho?" he struggled, but what was supposed to be a call ended up as a hoarse whisper. "Taicho!"

He stared at the grey sky above him, in vain trying to move.

_Damn, what has happened here?!_

He focused on sensing reiatsu, but if that ability (or rather lack thereof) had always been his weakest point, now his wounds left him unable to sense anything around him. Gathering his strength, Renji forced himself to move his head to the side, but for all the good it did, he might as well have stayed still. A throbbing pain exploded in his head and his vision blackened.

He woke some time later to the feeling of cold. It was a good thing, he decided, because the numbness in his arms and legs had receded. Fortunately, the rain was just a memory as well. He felt he could move again and the odd ringing in his ears was gone. Perhaps against all odds, his wounds were slowly healing. However, the glimmer of hope quickly faded when he opened his eyes to the sight of a broken piece of Senbonzakura sticking out from the rubble. The view felt like a sobering slap in the face that instantly brought his hazy mind awake. And if his mind failed to bring back the most recent memories, it quickly provided the worst possible scenarios of what might have happened.

_Shit, Taicho…_

He had never thought that this day would come – and yet it did.

Had they been… defeated? Did that mean that his Captain…?

Dark thoughts began to cloud his mind, but he willed them away. This was not the time to wallow in self-pity. Ignoring the pain, he straightened himself to a sitting position and looked around. The sight hit him almost like a physical thing, forcibly expelling all the air from his lungs. It felt as if an invisible force had just punched him right in his chest. A gasp escaped him as he spotted a figure dressed in a white haori lying on the ground in the distance.

"Taicho!" he called, but the person he thought to be his Captain did not as much as stir.

In a rush of adrenaline, Renji felt strength returning to him. The world continued to spin as he moved, so he did not trust his legs to stand up. Instead, he began to crawl towards the prone form in a white coat, ominously tainted with smudges of crimson. The very thought what the scene could mean made his blood run cold.

Byakuya was lying on his stomach, pale face barely visible from under long, black strands of wet hair sticking to his cheek and neck. Whatever blood might have been left on his skin, either disappeared into the ground with the rain or sunk into his shihakusho and haori. With rising alarm, the redhead realized that the noble's sword hand was trapped under a large piece of rubble.

"T-taicho?"

Just like before, there was no reaction. Renji felt an urge to do something, but at the same time felt a gripping fear that at the gentlest touch, his Captain's body would disintegrate into tiny particles. His clothing looked shredded as if a myriad of tiny blades had…

Renji froze.

_S-senbonzakura? But how?_

He swallowed hard and slowly rolled the unconscious man onto his back, careful not to pull his trapped arm. His breath caught. He had never seen the noble's face so pale, his brows devoid of the usual frown, fine lines lacking the severity imposed by the Captain's customary harshness. There were multiple cuts on his cheeks. Pink flesh and splotches of brown in places where blood had crusted, peeked out from countless cuts in his black shihakusho, telling the story of a brutally fierce battle. The view was horrifying, but the tension it brought to Renji's body dissipated some once he confirmed the slow rise and fall of his Captain's chest. At least he was still alive...

They both were.

Fate had been merciful.

He quickly rose his hands over Byakuya's chest, using his healing skills to assess the damage and heal what little he could. He barely began to close a deep shoulder wound when the green light beneath his fingers unexpectedly flickered and died. Shocked, he looked at his trembling hands.

_Damn! Are we both really that screwed?_

"S-sorry, Taicho…" he said more to himself than to his Captain. "Looks like we're out of luck today. But help should be here soon and I'm sure the Fourth is better at this shit than I am."

Without thinking much, Renji called a hell butterfly and quickly recorded a message.

"Squad Six Captain and lieutenant injured in battle. Immediate assistance needed. Coordinates attached."

The butterfly fluttered its black wings and rose into the air from Renji's finger, heading towards its destination. All that was left was hope that the healers would reach them quickly, especially since it was beginning to grow dark. He knew from countless lectures he had received from his Captain that swift evacuation from the battlefield was crucial in such situations. Enemy forces, whoever they were, could still be lurking on the battlefield, searching for easy targets. Renji had no illusions: right now he and Byakuya certainly fell under that category.

_I don't even remember how it came to this... My reiatsu is too weak to allow me to use my healing power, so I guess I wouldn't even be able to release my shikai. I could look for help, but I can't leave him like that. What if the enemies are still here?_

Renji sighed and lowered his eyes, a calloused hand reaching for Byakuya's slender, tekkou-clad one. The gesture was hesitant, reflecting the jumble of thoughts racing through his head. He had never dared to touch his Captain; the relationship between a captain and his lieutenant was meant to be deeply based on trust and loyalty, but also governed by strict rules to be followed and boundaries never to be crossed. When several years ago the noble had taken the hit meant for Rukia and Ichimaru's sword had pierced his heart, Renji had suddenly realized that what he felt for his Captain exceeded mere loyalty. Now he began to regret he had never dared to act on whatever it was he felt. He had never even named it.

At that time there seemed to be no reason to. The noble had always been the moon – shining bright, perfect in every way and out of reach. Hoping that the warmth he felt in his heart could ever be reciprocated would not even be fruitless… it would be downright foolish. There was a reason why other seated officers and recruits secretly nicknamed Byakuya the Ice Prince, and it was exactly who he was on the outside. There was irony in the fact that the thing which had eventually granted Renji a different perspective was his desire to hurt the noble. He was ashamed of it now, but it was exactly what he had had in mind, joining the Sixth Division. It used to be his goal. Following its Captain's every step, spying on him, noting his every weakness to one day defeat him for taking Rukia out of his life… Thank kami (or was Aizen to be thanked for it?), this madness had simply backfired on him – like everything had always had in his imperfect life.

What happened on the Sokyoku Hill unveiled a truth that almost pierced his heart as well. He had grown attached to the man he had been planning to kill. Byakuya might have been the one lying unconscious in a white room smelling of antiseptics with his chest heavily bandaged, but he had been the one sitting there in the corner with his heart still bleeding. Even Captain Unohana would not be able to heal that – to erase his shame. He had really prayed for Byakuya to get well then, and he was praying for it now. So when he touched his Captain's hand, he truly hoped for some kind of verbal reproof or that stern look of disapproval that would mean that the noble had regained consciousness. That he was going to recover.

But there was none.

"Taicho, you really need to wake up," he whispered. "It's gonna be getting dark s-soon".

His gaze travelled from the small limp hand resting in his own, bigger one, towards the boulder trapping Byakuya's sword arm. He had to at least try to dislodge it. But the moment he reached it, he felt his Captain's uninjured hand tighten on his.

"N-no."

Renji's heart skipped a beat. A faint grimace of pain crossed the noble's features and the shocked lieutenant immediately withdrew his hand as if burned.

"Taicho?"

Byakuya's eyes opened and he blinked several times, trying to bring the person leaning over him into focus. He did not say anything, but the look of disorientation on his face told Renji everything he needed to know.

"It's okay, Taicho. We need to free your hand," he said reassuringly. "I'm gonna try to move that boulder."

"No!" the noble rasped before breaking into a coughing fit.

Renji quickly rolled him slightly to the side, so that he could expel whatever was blocking his airways. "O-okay," he tightened his hold on the trembling, cough-ridden body, concern clouding his eyes as he saw his superior coughing up blood clots. "It's okay, I'm not gonna do anything you don't want to."

As the convulsions subsided, Byakuya visibly relaxed and Renji helped him return to his previous position. Fatigued grey eyes closed for a moment, but when they opened again, the redhead saw something he had never seen there before.

Resignation.

For so many reasons that day should have never come – and yet it did.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews! They constitute a large part of what makes writing worthwhile :)**

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It turned out that nothingness had been a blessing. The moment Byakuya began to regain consciousness, the nightmare of the battle with As Nodt struck his broken spirit with full force. Finding a reason to continue breathing was enough of a challenge even without this burden, yet powerful memories were not something one could simply decide to erase. And so he remembered…

He remembered that ominous stir in the air, the rattle of rocks beneath his feet when the quincy unleashed his power, and with the corner of his eye he saw his distressed lieutenant cringe when this almost suffocating wave reached them. He remembered the warning Renji gave him, desperately trying to convince him not to use his bankai, but with other divisions failing, there was no choice. Thousands of bladed petals rose into the air as he unleashed Senbonzakura Kageyoshi despite his subordinate's vigorous opposition. The reason was simple: it would not have been possible to defeat an enemy wielding such impressive power with a mere shikai and even if the quincy managed to seal it, as the Secret Mobile Corps had warned them, Renji would still have his own bankai.

Yes, he had expected it to be sealed, not stolen… and when the unimaginable happened, he found himself unable to believe that the entire Gotei 13 had been fooled...

…again.

How many times in a single lifetime could one be so easily misled? Especially one as wary as him. Fooled by his own lieutenant, who for years had been plotting to defeat him, betrayed by three fellow captains and now outwitted by a quincy. So pathetic… If breathing was a conscious choice, he would be unlikely to ever draw another breath; drowning in shame and self-disgust seemed a more appropriate fate for a useless soul reaper who had allowed an enemy to capture his zanpakuto and unleash it against its own master. As millions of tiny shards had cut through his body, all that had remained was unimaginable pain, his lieutenant frantically calling his name, an empty sword soon breaking into pieces in his hand and the awareness of failure that would result in the deaths of people he had sworn to protect.

All his life he had been meticulously trained to be a flawless warrior. Never to fail, and if he should indeed one day fail, he was to pay for it with his life as the honour of his clan dictated. Victory had always been the one and only thing expected of him. There had not really been much space left for anything else, be it love, friendship or any other kind of weakness luring him away from the only thing that could give his life a meaning. Sacrifice. His grandfather and his tutors had made that proud concept grow into him, and he still wondered how he had managed to make space for Hisana and then for Rukia in his isolated, hermetic life.

Now fate had laughed in his face: not only had he lost his fight, but he was also… dishonourably alive.

Despite the deplorable state they were both in, he instantly sensed Renji's reiatsu as the redhead moved towards the boulder trapping his arm. There was only one thing he could do, given the circumstances, so – mindful of this stain of dishonour – he objected at the top of his lungs, and it still came out pathetically quiet. No, he could not let his lieutenant move the debris, just as he could never return to the Gotei 13 after this discreditable defeat. Especially if his hand… his hand… was it still… attached to his body?

He vaguely remembered the quincy aiming the stolen bankai at him and then a familiar pink wave of countless, tiny blades cutting through him with such ease as if his body was no more than a thin sheet of paper. Searing pain had erupted in his sword hand before the bladed petals cut into the core of his being… The memory tore at him now and oblivion was so close, temptingly close... Perhaps fate would offer him mercy and let him perish. In the end, all that was left in him was shame burning in the corners of his eyes and his lieutenant's worried gaze fixed on him.

_Don't you dare look at me this way, Abarai. I know what I have done. I do not deserve your sympathy._

"It's okay, Taicho," Renji said bracingly. "We need to free your hand. I'm gonna try to move that boulder."

_My hand…_

"No!" the noble rasped again before agonizing pain shot through his lungs as if he had just breathed in a dozen shards of broken glass. A coppery taste of blood filled his mouth. He felt the other man's hands holding him and the more he coughed, the stronger was the grip ensuring he remained on his side, almost as if his lieutenant was ready to defy even death itself to keep him there.

"O-okay," the redhead's trembling voice sounded in his ears. "It's okay, I'm not gonna do anything you don't want to."

When Byakuya was almost certain that the lack of oxygen would send his mind spiralling into darkness, the sting in his lungs faded and he was finally able to draw in a shallow breath without coughing. Still, he was too weak to protest when Renji gently rolled him onto his back. He closed his eyes hoping that the world would at least cease spinning, and instead focused on keeping the flow of air in his body slow but steady. The painful cuts and blood clots obstructing his airways made each single breath a challenge, but he was certain he deserved every bit of the pain before fate decreed that the time came for him to let go of life.

It was a familiar rustle of fabric that brought him out of his reverie. His eyes opened to the rather puzzling view of Renji cutting off the sleeves of his own shihakusho with a small knife.

"Ah, you're back with me," relief spread across the redhead's face. "Don't close your eyes. You can't possibly miss that humiliating view of your own fukutaicho trying to mimic Hisagi Shuuhei's fashion statement."

Byakuya raised one fine eyebrow, wondering if his oxygen-deprived brain had already started ridiculing him. Somehow his lieutenant did not seem in any way discouraged.

"This story will hit number one on the most embarrassing anecdotes list at the after-hours lieutenant meetings, I'm sure. You wouldn't want to miss it now," he smiled, cutting off the second sleeve, then swiftly folding the knife. "There. That will do."

The noble watched as his subordinate skilfully rolled both sleeves into a narrow makeshift pillow and his eyes widened in sudden understanding. Renji moved closer to him now; so close he could almost hear the rapid rhythm of his heart.

"I'm going to lift your head a little now, okay?" his tone bordered on an explanation rather than an actual question. "When last time I tried to move that boulder, you kind of flipped out and all the excitement doesn't seem to go well with your lungs. So now I'm going to let you know first before I attempt anything."

Grey eyes narrowed in obvious dissatisfaction.

_I certainly do not flip out, Renji._

"You won't do that again, right Taicho?"

If looks could kill...

"N-n-no."

_I have never done that in the first place. You might want to reconsider that poor choice of words._

Renji took a deep breath. "Okay then, here we go."

His calloused hands were by nature anything but gentle and lacked the suppleness of Byakuya's slender fingers, but the Captain found he was lifted with utmost care and tenderness he would never have expected from his lieutenant. To his own surprise, having lost contact with the ground, his head fell back limply, almost as if the weight of his long, wet hair had anchored it to the debris beneath him. The other man reacted in an instant, quickly supporting his neck, but it only made the noble feel all the more ashamed of his own weakness.

As his head spun, he was mercifully saved further embarrassment, having to endure an experience which any Gotei 13 officer would find utterly degrading. In a detached, semi-conscious state of mind, he silently gazed into the hazy, dark grey horizon until the warm grip around him loosened and he was allowed to rest back again. He let out a small sigh, feeling his head rest comfortably on the makeshift pillow.

"We need to keep your head higher, so that you don't choke on all that blood, Taicho," Renji explained. "Breathing will be easier now."

Byakuya's eyes travelled down his lieutenant's presently bare arms, following the intricate black patterns on his skin. It was odd that the first coherent thought that had formed in his mind revolved around these perplexing yet strangely intoxicating markings. There were more of them, he noticed. More since he had last seen his subordinate without the military shihakusho.

His superior's obvious fascination did not escape the redhead's notice and he grinned smugly.

"Curious of my tattoos, Taicho? You only need to ask."

The noble instantaneously averted his eyes as he shamefully realized that he had been staring. For his own peace of mind, he quickly attributed it to his deplorable state, serious injuries and insufficient amount of oxygen in his system. Having lost his focus, he took a deeper breath and immediately regretted doing so when it triggered yet another bout of coughing.

In an instant strong arms were holding him again, their vicelike grip bespeaking silent desperation to contain the painful spasms. And when his slender body ceased to convulse, he felt a trembling hand frantically checking his pulse numerous times, as if driven by the fear that he might already be gone.

Several minutes had passed before Renji's voice finally broke through the hum in his ears.

"Breathe! You have to live and to live you have to keep breathing, Taicho! I know losing sometimes feels like the end of the world, but this war is not over and I need to see your will to survive."

He raised his gaze to meet a pair of deeply concerned amber eyes and only managed to nod in silence.

"Inhale… exhale. In… and out. Breathe with me, Taicho."

He tried not to be distracted by the slight trembling of the redhead's hands as they carefully wiped blood from the corner of his mouth with the edge of his already mutilated shihakusho. Instead, he concentrated on following Renji's directions and breathing at the pace he had set. Miracles did happen, it seemed, because soon he felt his body relax. The other soul reaper apparently did as well.

"You should not get all riled like that, Taicho. I was just messing with you. But then, I should have known better. I just wanted to… " the redhead sighed, turning his head away. "To loosen you up a bit and ease some of your pain… but I guess I just made it worse."

"I am f-fine," Byakuya answered in a clipped tone that his subordinate knew all too well.

The thing was, having served under the Captain for many years, Renji was likewise painfully aware that he tended to massively understate his own injuries, so – solely to avoid vexing him – he decided to play along.

"That's really good to hear. But just so you know, I've sent a hell butterfly to the Fourth."

A confused expression appeared on the ravenette's face. "The Fourth?"

Renji eyed his Captain sympathetically.

"The Fourth. The medical division that the Eleventh keeps pestering for free sake… for medicinal purposes," he chuckled. "I know you're probably a little disoriented, Taicho, but it'll pass. You just need to rest some more."

Byakuya hardly looked convinced, his eyes open wide in confusion and following his subordinate's every move.

"R-Renji…"

Feeling warmth rising to his cheeks, the redhead immediately lowered his head to avoid his superior's perceptive gaze. It wasn't often that his Captain called him by his first name, but whenever he did, it evoked a feeling of suspicious heat spreading through his chest and crawling dangerously towards his face. Byakuya gasped and for a moment Renji froze, frightened to death that this time the embarrassing blush had not escaped his attention. However, instead of a harsh reproof that was no doubt well-deserved, his commanding officer's voice sounded almost… concerned?

"You need healing."

The bigger soul reaper nearly lost his balance when his Captain unceremoniously grabbed the fabric of his sleeveless shihakusho and, to Renji's utter befuddlement, pulled him closer before angling his head even lower.

"Were you injured in battle?" Byakuya asked, skilfully moving long strands of red hair aside to better inspect a large cut on his lieutenant's temple.

Renji's overstimulated mind instantly focused on the warm feel of gentle fingertips on his skin, failing to register that there was an actual question he was expected to answer. His superior, on the other hand, had never been one to waste time.

"Well?"

"Uh… shit," was the only answer the redhead could come up with as he failed to recall what the owner of those sinfully soft fingers had previously said.

"This cannot p-possibly hurt that much," the Captain resisted the urge to roll his eyes, clearly misinterpreting his reaction. He concentrated his reiatsu on healing the wound, but all too soon his hand began to quiver and the green flare beneath his fingers disappeared. Resigned, he let his hand drop to his side before he turned to his uncharacteristically silent lieutenant again. "Did you fight the other quincy?"

"I don't really remember the battle, Taicho," Renji confessed sheepishly. "I think I must have hit my head pretty hard at some point, but it's really nothing to worry about. It doesn't even hurt."

Byakuya seemed to ponder on the redhead's explanation. "Perhaps you should not be t-taking this injury so lightly… if it has resulted in partial memory loss."

"Memory loss?" Renji smiled encouragingly. "That's a big word, Taicho. I just don't remember all the details, that's all... and the Fourth's gonna be here soon."

"Renji. Do you remember why… why Soutaicho called the meeting today?"

"Uh…" the tattooed shinigami scratched the back of his neck. "I think… the Secret Mobile Corps detected enemy activity in the Rukongai?"

Byakuya took a deeper breath, failing to hide the pain that the additional air in his lungs instantly caused.

"Indeed," he acknowledged. "However, the main reason was that the healing center has been severely d-damaged in a targeted attack…" he paused, a barely perceptible grimace twitching on his lips. "The Fourth division has been decimated in the explosion."

The redhead's eyes went wide. This could not be _remotely_ possible.

"Considering the havoc wrought by the enemy forces… I would not expect help to arrive anytime soon," fatigued grey eyes fixed on him. "We are on our own."

Renji's breath caught as scattered, fragmented memories of the damaged building, the corpses carried out on stretchers, the smell of burnt flesh flooded his mind in an uncontrolled stream… and suddenly proved to be too much. He crawled away as fast as he could, then violently expelled the pain and shock out of his body, retching uncontrollably. He knew he shouldn't have acted this way in the presence of his Captain. Weakness was the last thing a warrior was ever supposed to show on the battlefield, but his body kept rebelling. Several minutes passed before his stomach calmed and he was eventually able to regain at least basic control over his reflexes. He ran his hands over his face, but couldn't bring himself to return to his Captain's side after what he considered to be a downright disgraceful display.

"Renji."

A surprisingly uncritical voice made him snap out of the stupor.

"You can walk. You should… find shelter before the night comes."

Renji watched his hands ball into fists even before his mind managed to formulate a conscious thought. He might be pathetic, but he was not going to simply abandon his Captain even if it was his superior who had suggested it in the first place. Despite being purposefully formulated in a way that made it seem like no big deal, the very notion set the redhead's mind on fire. His eyes brightened in defiance.

"Not gonna happen, Taicho!"


	3. Chapter 3

**These chapters are getting longer than I expected.  
I hope you have as much fun reading them as I have, writing.  
This is still a work-in-progress, so if you have any suggestions/comments or just  
thumbs-up, I'd love to know your opinion :) My writing muse feeds on reviews!**

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The late afternoon grew cold. Occasional breaths of wind kept smuggling ribbons of slithering mist from the nearby river onto the devastated landscape. It was obvious that the goosebumps on Renji's bare, muscular arms were mere foretaste of what the night would bring, and he found it hard to ignore the fact that with every exhale his breath steamed. It would only get worse, he knew. Having grown up in the low Rukongai, he was familiar with the unfriendly climate and tough terrain, and probably immune to most bacteria and viruses that thrived in the humid environment. But all too well he knew that Byakuya was not.

Living an aristocratic life, he was probably accustomed to a soft bed, pleasant warmth coming from the fireplace and a hot meal at the end of the day. Of course, as a Captain of the Gotei 13, he had no problem with leaving all the luxuries of the Kuchiki manor behind, but although he might be capable of surviving in even harsher environments, his presently weakened body wasn't necessarily in the condition to do so. With his lungs literally shredded by the bladed petals, a simple infection of his respiratory tract was likely to kill him.

Renji shivered at the thought.

_Damn it, we have to get the hell outta here. The sooner, the better._

Dark thoughts swarming in his head, he watched the setting sun with growing discomfort, but despite his determination, the current perspective did not seem to offer any solution to their predicament. In the middle of autumn it would grow dark faster and nights tended to get cold. Obviously, finding wood among the debris would not prove difficult since in Soul Society it was a commonly used construction material, but starting a fire was a luxury that in the present situation they could not afford. In the dead of the night, flickering light would make them stand out like a sore thumb. An enemy would have to be blind not to see them – and he very much doubted they could be that lucky.

The downside was, allies would not see them either.

When a barely audible sigh reached his ears, he cast a worried glance at his silent companion. Having realized that nothing he said would make his lieutenant leave him, Byakuya had eventually stopped wasting his breath by trying to appeal to his common sense. He had grown quiet as if lost in thought, but Renji knew there was more to that. They were in serious danger and had to move on, but once his Captain got something into his head, he tended to be as stubborn as a mule. If only the redhead knew why he was so adamant not to move the boulder trapping his hand… he might actually get a chance to talk some sense into him. He had been fighting alongside his Captain long enough to know that the noble did not fear pain, no matter how excruciating, but then… what else could it possibly be? He had to find a way to sneak his way into the ravenette's thoughts, even though he knew that with his Captain, it wasn't going to be anywhere near easy.

"Shit," he groaned eventually, drawing his superior's attention. "It's so fucked up."

Byakuya frowned.

"Language, Abarai. I may be critically injured, yet it will take some time… before I turn deaf."

Renji studied the pale face, with certain disquiet noting the dark circles which had formed under his superior's eyes and his unnaturally livid lips. The brows on his tattooed forehead furrowed. He moved a little closer, then took a deep breath, deciding that if there was anything that could spring his Captain into action, it was his unwavering commitment to the 13 Court Guard Squads.

"You know, Taicho…" he began evasively. "We should… maybe… talk. Talk about finding shelter. This place is anything but safe and the Gotei… they still need us."

"They need _you_," Byakuya corrected. "In my current condition, I am useless."

Before Renji could object, the noble raised his palm, signalling he was not likely to tolerate interruptions.

"That is the truth we need to face. Both of us, Renji."

The younger soul reaper looked to the side.

"That's all bullshit, Taicho!" he hit the ground with his fist, which instantly gained him a stern look of disapproval. "Is that all that's left of your resolve? Cause the way I see it, it's obvious you're doing something the Taicho I serve under would never do. And he'd probably hand my ass back to me if I were the one trying to…"

Byakuya's lips thinned, much like his patience.

"Do not even dare to go there," he warned.

"Oh, trust me, Taicho, this is exactly where I'm going!" Renji crossed his arms. "And worse, you're stuck with me until I get there."

He could feel the noble's reiatsu rage, but with its current level so low, it would hardly be enough to intimidate a little girl, less a Gotei 13 lieutenant. Still, the power was sufficient to disturb tiny pieces of rubble around them and Renji soon watched them dance around with unconcealed pride.

"That's my Taicho," he smirked. "Show me your fighting spirit!"

"You insolence is…"

All of a sudden a grimace of pain crossed Byakuya's face as his lungs contracted spasmically. When a shallow breath brought a low gurgle as if he was drowning in his own blood, the redhead reacted in an instant and lifted his upper body up as far as the trapped hand allowed.

"Whoa… I think that's enough fighting spirit… for now."

He watched with sympathy as the noble jerked and arched to cough up several large clots, then cringed behind the curtain of his long, black hair. Renji did not hesitate to sweep it back, paying no attention to the dirt and dried blood that presently matted its usual, immaculate shine.

"Try to slow down your breathing, Taicho," he said soothingly.

When the convulsions stopped, he promptly moved behind his Captain. As much as it was possible with his superior's hand still imprisoned under the boulder, he leaned the still trembling frame against his chest, almost cradling the smaller soul reaper in his arms. Although Byakuya was too weak to protest, soon two grey orbs were boring into the amber ones. Renji's gaze met his Captain's, but the truth was, he could not help feeling a little intimidated.

"You okay there?" he asked.

"H-hope…"

Renji raised an eyebrow.

_Hope?_

"…less fool."

The redhead could not help a chuckle. "Yeah, and I've earned it, too. Glad to know you're back, Taicho. Now rest."

Byakuya was determined to preserve what little was left of his dignity, but fatigue proved stronger and before he knew it, his head came to rest on his lieutenant's shoulder. Renji smiled, watching his superior doze off in his arms and strangely pleasant warmth spread through his chest at the sight. As minutes passed by, he continued to observe his superior worriedly, making sure nothing prevented the rise and fall of his chest. The fast rhythm of the man's heart, apparently trying to compensate for his injured lungs, resounded in the redhead's ears and pulsed under his skin, as if it were his own.

It was almost…

…surreal.

_I can feel your heartbeat, Taicho. It's almost as if… we're breathing together… and as long as you breathe, I have a reason to fight._

Unknowingly, he traced a porcelain cheek with his finger and smiled ruefully.

_I failed you, and I'm sorry. It doesn't matter that I don't remember any of it. You got hurt… and I let that happen. But it won't happen again, I'll be stronger next time… I'll be faster and I'll be smarter. If you only give me a little more time, Taicho, I will prove to you… I can be the person you've always wanted me to be._

His gaze strayed towards the horizon as he pondered on what that exactly meant. Yes, for a long, long time, he had wanted to be just like his Captain – that perfect, flawless warrior who never made mistakes, who moved swiftly and soundlessly, but at the same time managed to maintain such poise and grace as if the battlefield was no more than a performance stage.

He bit his lip. No, he would never match that level of skill and self-control. Who was he trying to fool? The noble fought with what seemed to be innate finesse, while his lieutenant strove to burn everything with raw power. They were so different… but perhaps it did not yet mean they were worlds apart. Because, thank kami, that unblemished image was just one side of Byakuya Kuchiki.

He knew that now.

Their predicament had unexpectedly offered him a chance to see the more delicate man beneath the usual façade of a reserved noble and unyielding Captain and let a wretched Rukon dog crawl a little closer to the moon shining high above. Knowing the price of it all, he felt guilty for feeling the way he did, but he had to admit that both this unique perspective (sans the usual insult he probably deserved) and the unexpected closeness of the man he had been dreaming of for so long was…

…exquisite.

_Fucking idiot. You're such a fucking idiot, Abarai._

But even though he chided and ridiculed himself, long, bloodied hair somehow still carried the sweet scent of sakura, and the pale face and slender neck looked no less alluring even when marred by numerous tiny cuts. Renji was too devoted to ensuring his Captain's safety to let anything derail his thoughts, but his body kept rebelling, the warmth in his chest ultimately travelling down to places he did not want to think about right now. He groaned, feeling a very untimely reaction in his groin when Byakuya stirred against him. It was hard to decide whether he should be thankful for the precious moment he would probably fantasize about once they safely got back to the Seireitei, or frustrated by his own thoughtlessness.

Trying to distract himself, he cut off a little piece of fabric from the bottom of his shihakusho and brought it to the noble's forehead. He had no intention of waking his superior, but when he carefully wiped tiny drops of sweat from the almost snow-white skin, one fatigued eye opened.

"S-sorry, Taicho, I didn't wanna wake you."

"I wasn't sleeping."

The voice was cold and controlled, exactly the way it sounded at the Sixth Division barracks whenever the redhead failed to perform his duties. Not so long ago it seemed different, softer... and it made Renji wonder: was his Captain still mad at him?

"I know I overstepped, Taicho," he said, hoping to diffuse the situation, "suggesting you were giving up... but I really feared we'd end up making a white flag out of your haori."

If that was his way of saying sorry, Renji had a feeling it did not sound as apologetic as it did when he had been preparing it in his head. His Captain seemed to share that opinion when his eyes narrowed threateningly.

"Ugh… I just wanted to say I shouldn't have..."

"Shut up, Abarai."

"Hai, Taicho."

To Renji's disappointment, the leader of the Kuchiki clan rather awkwardly extricated himself from his arms and slowly slid to the ground, leaving odd emptiness in the space he had occupied. The moment it became obvious he was not going to say anything more, the redhead cleared his throat to break the awkward silence.

"You know," he began, pouring all his energy into preventing the disillusionment from seeping into his voice, "the Fourth probably won't be coming here any time soon, but it doesn't mean others won't be looking for us. Ichigo, Rukia…"

"You assume they are still alive," the noble said matter-of-factly.

"W-well, yeah, Taicho!" Renji bristled. "You don't?"

The smaller soul reaper looked to the side before his heavy eyelids drifted closed. "In our current circumstances, any assumption would be preposterous."

"You know what… You're right, Taicho. Idly waiting for help is not what Gotei officers do. There isn't much to gain right now, but we could at least try to make our situation… a little less fucked up."

The last rays of the setting sun found their reflection in Byakuya's grey eyes. Despite the desolate expression radiating through the usual mask of calm on his face, it made them look as if they had just caught fire.

"Less _unbearable_," he corrected. "It is what I have been trying to tell you all along. The loss of recent memories only proves your head in-injury is severe. You need to go and seek medical…"

"No, Taicho, _we_ need to go," Renji cut in. "I know you probably won't be able to walk, but I'm stronger now. I can carry you."

Before his superior had a chance to object, the redhead had the presence of mind to quickly produce a small bottle of sake from the folds of his shihakusho.

"First things first," he continued, unscrewing the cap. "Something to dull the pain."

The noble sighed in resignation. He tried to support himself on one elbow, but his attempt to lift himself up failed in its entirety as he immediately slumped back against the makeshift pillow.

"Here, let me help you".

Renji carefully lifted his head and pressed the bottle to his lips. Byakuya only took a small sip before turning away and refusing to drink more.

"Come on, Taicho," his subordinate furrowed his brows. "That's not nearly enough even to keep you warm."

The noble reluctantly took another sip, but Renji stubbornly angled the bottle, so that he had little choice but to accept several more. The redhead continued to ignore the other shinigami's protests and only withdrew the bottle once a third of its contents was gone. Gradually, the usual colour returned to the noble's cheeks and his eyes glazed over.

"Are you t-trying to get me drunk, Abarai?" he slurred slightly.

The redhead scratched the back of his neck.

"No… um… yeah… a little," a helpless grin curved his lips before he took several sips of the sake himself. "I'm kinda hoping it will make you stop protesting when I move that boulder."

"You will do no such thing," Byakuya frowned upon his subordinate, his deep voice carrying a hint of warning.

"Taicho, we both know we need to get your arm free, then get the hell outta here."

The redhead did not even notice when his hand sneaked towards his superior's smaller one unbidden and the calloused fingers wound themselves around it. Although grey eyes widened in confusion, the noble did not otherwise move, almost as if the gesture had gone unnoticed. Renji, however, could not miss the faint stir of reiatsu under his fingertips. His heart skipped a beat, tempted to interpret this lack of response as acceptance, before he kicked himself mentally for reading too much into it.

"Do you really think I will let you… let go just like that?" he continued and as if to make a point, he squeezed the unresisting hand a little harder. "I'm not letting go of you, Taicho."

On Renji's side, these were mere seconds of hopefulness and accelerated heartbeat before his superior recovered somewhat from his bewilderment and his hand jerked away as if touched by fire.

"Don't be ridiculous, Abarai."

The lieutenant did his best not to let his amber eyes reflect the sudden disappointment.

"Your… loyalty… is commendable, however ul-ultimately… it propels you to pointlessly risk your life when you could easily find shelter."

He looked down at the noble. "But Taicho…"

In that moment, the Captain's hazy eyes seemed to clear some as they locked with his subordinate's. "In a time of war, foolish decisions are paid for in blood. You should consider this for your own sake, Fukutaicho."

At this point Renji wasn't sure what hurt him more: the cold, impersonal tone or the fact that he had been called by his military designation, which Byakuya often used when expressing his displeasure. The word that would probably make any other shinigami proud beyond measure, from Renji's perspective emphasized the existence of a vast chasm that separated him from his Captain. He did not really need a reminder: the story of the monkey and the moon still rang in his ears. The sky was the distance between them.

_Hell, no!_

He was sure he couldn't be drunk yet, but somehow those few sips of sake were enough to make a spark turn into a wildfire. It burned his insides, and it burned to dust whatever doubts he might have had. His mouth ran dry as he pushed back his own insecurity and lay down next to his Captain, which almost instantly earned him a chilling glare.

"You may not be a person who likes to share, but it's getting cold, Taicho," he pointed out sheepishly, fidgeting in a futile attempt to make himself comfortable.

Grey eyes narrowed.

"Y-you touch me, you die, Abarai. Choose wisely."

Renji answered him with a challenging smile. He could swear he heard a gasp when a muscular, tattooed arm unexpectedly wound around the Captain's waist and the noble's hazy eyes turned to the size of saucers. This was as far as the redhead's plan anticipated (and he had never been good at planning, anyway), but somehow the alcohol-induced courage propelled him further. He lifted himself on his elbows and gazed into those wide open eyes, mesmerized, and never failing to notice the flush spreading on the other man's pale cheeks. Before the noble could react, rough lips came into contact with the softer, almost velvet ones.

Byakuya immediately opened his mouth to protest, but Renji's tongue only used the opportunity to slide inside and seek its sinful depths. The coppery taste of blood mixed with sake was hard to miss, but kami knew he was too lost in the feeling to even care. He pulled away only when the tight grip that had been trying to push him away eventually lost its initial strength, reminding him that his Captain also needed to breathe.

"R-renji…" the noble panted. "Have you lost your mind?"

"Yeah," he answered, his voice faltering with emotion. "Yeah, a bit. But now that I'm no longer in my right mind, I thought… you wouldn't shred me for doing what I did… like you normally would."

"I should have let you free my hand," Byakuya commented dryly.

Renji cocked his head. "So that you could push me away?"

"So that I c-could cut you into pieces for this insolence… with whatever is left of my sword."

"Lucky me, then," the lieutenant grinned good-naturedly.

It took an enormous effort not to cringe when he saw his commanding officer scowl. He was a quick learner and that day he obviously learned that even when the Ice Prince was a little inebriated, he could still chill a person to the bone with his glare alone.

Despite the Captain's displeasure, the stolen kiss was worth it and it would probably still be worth it even if he had had Senbonzakura to his disposal. The redhead concluded that in this scenario, he would probably have to spend the night pulling bladed petals out of his skin, but that still had its hidden charm. He chuckled at that as he turned his face away to look at the horizon. The pale sun had set, heralding the approach of night that would soon swallow the entire battlefield into its black depths.

Growing up in the low Rukongai with a bunch of other kids, he had feared those moonless nights, carrying things darker than the nightmares of a hungry, homeless misfit he had been at the time; and now, fate had cast him in the same place again. Only that now he was no longer a terrified youth and Rukia's brother had taken her place by his side. What did not change was his resolve: he promised himself to take care of his injured companion and fight with all his strength to make sure they both returned to the Seireitei alive.

He felt Byakuya stiffen when he protectively wound his arms around the older man.

"Relax, Taicho. I swear… it's just to keep us warm. I might've got a little carried away before… but you know I wouldn't hurt you."

The noble let out a deep sigh and eventually closed his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

**When we love someone, we are determined to protect them, **  
**even if it means doing things that we know will make them hate us.**

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Despite the exhaustion weighing heavy on his eyelids, Byakuya Kuchiki could not surrender himself to sleep. Contrary to his assumptions, the fear As Nodt had tainted him with did not fade once the battle had ended. It crawled under his skin, flowed in his veins and permeated his reiatsu. He might have been strong enough to keep it under control, hidden under the surface, but as drowsiness eventually relaxed his body, he found the nightmare waiting under his eyelids to emerge; waiting for fatigue to wear him down before leaving him too weak to maintain his sanity.

Since they had no food to their disposal, restful sleep was the only way to enable his spiritual energy to replenish itself. Deprived of sleep in his current condition, he was painfully aware how it was all likely to end: his internal organs would soon exhaust the already depleted reiatsu reserve… and he would perish. Although he knew what was at stake, fear eventually prevailed despite all his efforts to let comforting oblivion claim his mind.

The images slipping into his thoughts were anything but soothing, and even the sake his subordinate had forced into his system wasn't enough to blur them. Rukia's fate was still uncertain, and he could not bear the image which the quincy had sneaked past his defences…

In the back of his mind his Imouto, the little sister he was supposed to protect, lay fallen on the battlefield, her slack face turned upward, gazing at the sky with lifeless eyes, her battered body showing first signs of decay. The image sucked the breath out of his lungs…

… yet he was too weak to will it away.

_N-no!_

He quivered until he found himself anchored to reality by his sleeping lieutenant's warm body suddenly curling around him. The contact was surprisingly comforting, and allowed his lungs to be filled with a breath of air. He had always considered physical closeness rather stifling – a tricky means to deprive one of one's freedom and turn strength into weakness. Now, he found it oddly liberating. Against all odds, Renji's arms did not weaken him, but instead offered him the strength he needed.

The redhead's affection was not something one could turn a blind eye to… at least not for long. Still, he managed to gather his dwindling resolve, well aware that as a leader, he could never depend on anyone, or perhaps… the long and not so peaceful history of his leadership in the Kuchiki clan had made him overly wary.

He held his breath, uncertain how he should react, before a wave of warmth rose in his chest and unexpectedly shattered the terrifying visions swarming in the darkest recesses of his mind. It was the moment understanding dawned on him; and he understood that this long-forgotten feeling was the only thing powerful enough to distract him, to let him break away from the icy grip of As Nodt's curse.

Renji's fiery taste still lingered in his mouth. It was deeply unsettling to think that what had kept him sane in the dead of the night was the closeness of his subordinate's warm body and the memory of that defiant, insistent kiss which should have never come to pass.

And yet it did.

_Of course it did. I should have expected it in the first place._

Now that he considered it, the furtive glances Renji had been sending his way for the past few years had to mean something, and his lieutenant – though sometimes shy beyond belief – had never been one to ask once he gathered his courage.

How come that such a thoughtless action that had broken the rules, ignored the protocol and held no respect for his military rank or noble status, had so easily crashed through his defences? At the touch of those scorching lips, he had lost the ability to think. When the other man's hot, eager tongue had slid into his mouth, whatever thoughts might have survived in his head, had been scattered in disarray as if suddenly hit by a tsunami.

At the time he had been glad to have the ground support his weight – had he been standing, his knees would surely have buckled, leaving his feelings exposed. Although the quincy had not killed him, the resulting shame certainly would have. The kiss was as impulsive and reckless as his lieutenant – a shockingly insistent, bewildering and unpredictable experience. One that had made him breathless.

One that threatened to incinerate his carefully organized, disciplined world if he let his guard down.

This rogue thought frightened him, and he instantly knew that Abarai Renji was a risk he could not take. Kuchiki Byakuya – an emotionally-burdened man methodically covered by layers of layers of a carefully planned appearance – might be yearning for it, but not the powerful Captain of the Gotei 13, and not the stern leader of one of the four greatest noble clans in Soul Society.

_If only my body stopped rebelling…_

No, he could not deny the reaction Renji's kiss had caused in his loins.

He had never been kissed that way. Hisana had always been exceedingly gentle and delicate – a graceful and innocent being he would have never dared to defile with wild, uncontrolled passion, or perhaps it had been a different kind of love altogether. Renji was fiery in every sense of that word. He burnt like fire, and like fire turned the world of subtlety to ashes on a whim. This unpredictability was… distracting; and on the battlefield, distractions were what got meticulous warriors like Byakuya Kuchiki killed.

Although the unexpected kiss had let him feeling like a moth drawn to a flame, it was not something he could allow. Obviously in the long history of his clan there had been leaders who had maintained a relationship with other men, but in the ranks of the Gotei, Renji was his subordinate. Should this… recklessness… continue, consequences were to be expected, and it was something that as a captain and a leader he could not afford. Whatever Renji had taken into his head, it had to end before they returned to the Seireitei.

If indeed they did return.

_I may not survive... but Renji has to. Rukia is going to need him more than ever… and I need someone trustworthy to take care of her. If I weren't as useless as I am now, I would rather die protecting her than wither away on a long abandoned battlefield like a coward. I can only hope she is safe and sound… because if I have failed to protect her like a brother should…_

He shivered at the thought, but then the familiar pair of strong, muscular arms tightened around him and his subordinate's heady, masculine scent invaded his senses. He realized he was trapped with nowhere left to run; and all he could do was pray for his misery to end however fate decreed because he knew he would not be able to withstand the torment much longer.

_Please, Renji. Let me go. I can't…_

"You cold, Taicho?"

Although it was a mere whisper delivered into his ear, it conjured a dangerous atmosphere of intimacy that the Sixth Division Captain desperately struggled to avoid. He was about to speak when he found that his throat had gotten unpleasantly dry. In the dead of the night something as private and soundless as swallowing unexpectedly came out almost loud enough to rival his subordinate's trademark snoring, and he could not help the blush spreading across his face.

"I am not cold," he said loud and clear, hoping that Renji would switch back to his usual tone of voice as well.

"Not cold and wide awake," the redhead yawned. "You won't regain your strength if you don't rest, Taicho. Did you get any sleep at all?"

"I am resting as we speak," the smaller soul reaper said indignantly.

His lieutenant snickered. "Huh? The hell you are."

Byakuya stared at him with a seething glare, but obviously was too tired to argue. He fell silent and his gaze strayed towards the boulder trapping his hand, barely distinguishable in the darkness. All possible paths of his uncertain fate lay beneath it, hidden from his sight. The unknown future of his sword arm continued to haunt his troubled mind, but he did not feel ready to learn the answer buried beneath the rubble just yet. How could one ever be ready for such news?

Perhaps it was for the best. After all, the struggle was only a waste of time. Of what use could he possibly be to the Gotei without his sword arm? It was imperative that Renji left as soon as possible and made sure Rukia was safe, so that he could at least perish without the guilt weighing heavy on his heart.

"We're gonna have to do something about it at some point." Renji's tone lost its teasing edge as he glanced at the large piece of rock.

"No," was the entirety of the answer he received.

When his slender frame shuddered again, Byakuya could not be sure whether the semblance of calm was finally giving way to supressed emotions under the physical strain, or something much more dangerous…

Whatever it was, it certainly did not escape the redhead's attention.

"You're shivering again, Taicho," genuine concern tinged his voice as he gave his Captain a close, measured look in the darkness. "With that crush wound, you could be entering hypothermia."

The leader of the Kuchiki clan took a deep (or rather – as deep as his current condition allowed) calming breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them again with a scathing remark waiting at the back of his mind, he could only jerk back instead. A soft groan escaped his lips as he inadvertently pulled his trapped arm in the process. Before he could form a coherent thought, however, grey eyes widened in distress because a mere inch away Renji's face was now hovering over him, almost touching his own. He felt himself stiffen, his breath caught in his chest.

_Impossible._

What grave mistake could he have possibly made in his lieutenant's line of training? If this… obtrusive behaviour was some perverse form of loyalty, he would most likely end up with the entire division in his bedroom anytime soon. This had to end.

And it had to end _now_.

"Have you ever heard of personal space, Abarai?" he barely managed to keep his composure as he shot the redhead a disapproving look.

His subordinate frowned. "C'mon, Taicho. The nights here are cold. When I lived in the low Rukongai, me and my pack… we'd curl up against each other for warmth and that's how we survived."

"I am not your _pack_," the noble said. "Now move."

The tattooed soul reaper reluctantly withdrew a little, but before the slighter man could react, muscular arms once more wound tightly around him. Byakuya's body instantly went taut despite all the effort he poured into maintaining his poise.

"What, in kami's name, is _that_, Abarai?"

"Compromise," Renji gave his superior what he hoped to be a disarming smile. "You get some personal space and nobody freezes tonight. As a bonus, I also don't get killed."

The noble let out an exasperated sigh.

"Apparently, we have studied the definition of _personal space_ in different dictionaries."

"I've never had a dictionary, Taicho."

Byakuya only turned his head away in response.

"I imagine," he added, not knowing what else to say.

They lay in awkward silence for some time, and with each passing minute the noble found it harder to deny the… _distracting_ effect his lieutenant was having on him. The warmth kept the chilling fear away, but… did Renji have any idea what it meant to rest in that comfortingly warm embrace? And what it meant for a man who had not experienced any kind of physical affection for over fifty years?

His skin tingled strangely where muscular arms had encircled his waist, and he was suddenly thankful for the darkness surrounding them. Despite the strong resolution to keep his composure, he was almost certain his face was now flushed. As it was typical of Abarai Renji, the moment of relative peacefulness (and Byakuya's torment) did not last long, and soon the Captain of the Sixth Division felt his lieutenant begin to fidget again.

"Abarai!"

The look of annoyance Byakuya sent him was hard to miss even on a moonless night.

"S-sorry, Taicho," the tattooed shinigami lifted his head. "But I really need… to share something with you."

"And it suddenly occurred to you that the middle of the night was the perfect timing?"

"W-well… since you can't sleep anyway..."

The redhead took a deep breath as if to see whether the noble would use the moment to chide him for continuing the intrusion. Surprisingly, however, the familiar pair of ashen grey eyes was presently looking back at him with something akin to curiosity.

Renji sighed in relief.

"There's a cat," he went on. "A cat I learned about at Ichigo's school… and I can't stop thinking about it when I look at that boulder."

The noble bit his lip when his lieutenant mentioned the animal that he could only associate with the annoying Shihoin Yoruichi, and felt even more disturbed by the name of the irritating shinigami substitute. Of all conversation topics to discuss on one's potential deathbed, did his lieutenant really have to choose… _this_?

"My dislike for cats is widely known," he commented with a malevolent glint in his eye. "But then… cats and boulders do seem like a promising combination."

Renji simply gaped at him like a fish before he managed to properly articulate his reaction.

"Eh? You can't really think that, Taicho!"

His Captain's lips curved slightly upward.

"Oh… Oh!" the redhead blinked slowly, processing this rare occurrence. "Well… you got me here. But I guess that having my leg pulled was worth it… just to see that perfect smile," he added dreamily.

"Focus, Abarai. The cat."

"Ah… yeah. Well, it was imaginary."

The noble's eyes narrowed sceptically. "You must have hit your head harder than I initially thought, Renji."

"Ugh, no, it's not like I've cracked up or something," the tattooed shinigami chuckled. "Schrödinger's cat was a thought experiment. You know, an imaginary cat placed with a flask of imaginary poison in a sealed, imaginary box."

"Abarai…"

"Just let me get to the point, Taicho. The thing is, if the flask is shattered, the poison will kill the cat, but, well, that's just a possibility. So from the perspective of someone outside of the box, the cat is simultaneously alive and dead until the box is opened."

Byakuya raised one fine eyebrow and huffed. "This is nonsense."

"It's quantum physics, and I should probably agree with you here," Renji grinned helplessly. "This stuff has never made much sense to me. Until… I saw you looking at that boulder."

The noble averted his eyes. It was all he could do to try to escape the direction this discussion was going. Still, he had no illusions. Anyone else – perhaps, but Renji was too stubborn to let this go.

"The cat's still there and we won't know what happened to it" the younger soul reaper's voice softened until it was barely more than a whisper, "until I lift that boulder."

"Permission denied," sounded the curt reply and before Renji could object, the leader of the Kuchiki clan turned his head away.

"But… Taicho…"

"You had better not make me repeat myself, Fukutaicho."

"O-okay…" the younger shinigami raised his hands defensively. "But can't we just... talk about it?"

The lack of an answer was an answer in itself.

It was no surprise when the raven-haired man chose to ignore Renji's gentle prodding by distancing himself like he had always had when his subordinate rebelled against clear orders. The redhead was extremely talkative, and Byakuya Kuchiki knew that the only thing that could weaken his resolve was prolonged silence. Lost in his thoughts, he drifted in and out of sleep until a faint glow rose over the horizon, marking the beginning of dawn. Only then did the grey eyes open to see that the bigger soul reaper was awake and carefully observing him.

Renji's face instantly betrayed his fatigue, but he smiled nonetheless, having realized that his Captain had obviously stopped ignoring him.

"Good morning, Taicho."

"Y-you have not slept?" the noble asked with a tinge of concern in his voice.

"I've kept watch. And… I've been thinking a lot."

Byakuya raised an eyebrow.

He felt an inward jolt when his subordinate's hand unexpectedly took hold of his. Even in the semi-darkness, the depth of emotion reflected on the younger man's face was hard to miss, and he suddenly became very aware of how much smaller his own hand was when set against the one marked with intricate tattoos. Renji virtually enclosed his entire hand in his palm… leaving no space for even the smallest resistance.

All of a sudden he found himself… trapped. Trapped like a wild animal outsmarted by the hunters with a well-planned strategy. Painfully aware that there was no way out, he felt his heart flutter in his chest, all his muscles tense and waiting for the perilous unknown.

"I don't remember your battle, Taicho," Renji continued, unaware of the change in his superior's usually stoic, detached demeanour. "I wish I did because then maybe I'd be able to help you. You know, say the things you need to hear. I'm not the smartest tool in the shed, but I ain't stupid either," his hand squeezed the noble's gently. "I can sense something's not right. Something's happened. But then… I've fought alongside you long enough to know you'd rather die than share this with me."

"This is b-beside the point", Byakuya managed. "My sword hand… No one should see me like this."

"Is that what you're afraid of?" his head tilted questioningly. "You are my Captain. All of you. In any condition. No matter how injured or broken you are."

"I am not broken!" the noble objected.

"No," his subordinate smiled bracingly as he propped himself on one elbow, "and you'll never be. You never give up and as long as you fight all the pieces will always come back together. Sooner or later, but they will."

"Renji, this is beyond reckless. Y-you should…" his voice once again failed him despite the effort to keep it steady. "You need to leave and f-find Rukia. She needs…"

Byakuya paused as relief flooded him upon realizing that Renji not only finally saw the wisdom in his words, but indeed brought himself up and straightened.

The sudden feeling of peace was gone in an instant when a flare of the redhead's burning reiatsu betrayed his determination. It radiated through the muscular, tattooed frame, leaving his silhouette lit with a soft, red glow that almost took the ravenette's breath away.

_Even when he is injured, his reiatsu is…formidable._

The view was breathtaking, but in the end these were Renji's words that astounded him even more.

"I'm sorry, Taicho," he said, "but I'd be a fool if I let you die here. So we're gonna do this my way."

And before Byakuya could protest, his subordinate's face contorted with effort and his hands tightened around the boulder in a vice-like grip. In mere seconds that to the petrified noble seemed like unending minutes, the rock was lifted, then sent tumbling a few feet away with a swell of reiatsu.

"D-don't move Taicho!"

Propelled by adrenaline, Renji dropped to his knees, desperate to heal what little he could. In his long career in the military, he had seen many tragic injuries on the battlefield; some deadly and some so gruesome that they had made him sick just by reaching the edge of his vision. Although he had been carefully trained to keep his cool and always did, surprisingly, his Captain's pooling blood was enough to make him feel dizzy and he had to bite his lip to hold back a sound of dismay.

The noble failed to register what was happening, too overwhelmed by a wave of excruciating, agonizing pain that travelled up his arm the moment the rubble was lifted. A scream rose at the back of his throat, but then his chest tightened and all that left his lips was a gasp.

"Shh, Taicho… I've got this."

Renji's voice was uncertain and shaky, but the raven-haired shinigami was already too far gone to understand whatever it was his lieutenant had to say. His struggle to form a conscious thought failed when his heart rammed against his ribs, accelerating to an erratic rhythm that made each desperate breath quick and shallow. He barely heard the redhead calling his name before the world spinning around him sank in merciful darkness.


	5. Chapter 5

**Whew! These chapters are getting longer than I initially anticipated,**  
**so it may be taking longer to update the story. But patience is a virtue, right?**

**It's always like this with me. Why can't I just stick to the plan? *sigh***

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Having come a long way from the Rukongai to the Seireitei, Renji had a reason to be thankful for many things in his life. He was far from rich, but the pay in the Gotei 13 was enough to buy food whenever he was hungry, rent a comfortable flat, regularly mend his clothes and occasionally buy a pair of those supercool goggles that always ended up broken in battle. His life had changed completely since the day he had been admitted to the Academy.

Only that now the war had turned back the hands of time.

As he ignited a small pile of hastily gathered tinder and wood, he could not help but think that fate was toying with him, bringing his past back to life, so that once more he could be thankful for a cavern that gave him shelter, a fire that provided warmth and a cave wall he could lean his back against without having to worry an enemy would sneak up on him. Still, it barely mattered when his mind focused entirely on his senseless companion.

The leader of the Kuchiki clan was lying motionlessly on the ground. Despite his subordinate's effort poured into dressing the most serious of his wounds, blood continued to soak through the makeshift bandage on his arm, shoulder and chest. There was also a fairly deep laceration on his right side that Renji had found when thoroughly scanning the slender body for injuries. He was grateful for the opportunity to finally tend to his Captain's wounds unhindered while he was limp, unresisting and with it – less threatening.

Being a noble, Byakuya was too preoccupied with setting boundaries to ever accept the fact that his lieutenant had dared to peel off his carefully protected secrets layer by layer.

Because the truth was that to wash away the blood and dress the wounds, Renji had had to undress him without his permission, and it was likely his superior would kill him for it as soon as he regained consciousness. Punishment was probably well-deserved because aside from inwardly promising the quincies revenge for hurting the man he had sworn to protect with his life, Renji was indeed guilty of carefully memorizing almost every expanse of porcelain skin. He had never been a textbook example showing how to resist temptation, and kami knew it had taken every bit of self-control to respectfully avert his eyes in those more… critical moments.

Still, in the light of other aggravating circumstances, the redhead knew the older shinigami was unlikely to appreciate his efforts. If he chose to kill him for that, so be it. Renji was ready to accept his fate provided that the noble chose to live. Although Byakuya could scare the living hell out of his lieutenant, the redhead was desperate to see those expressive grey eyes open again even if it meant having to endure another ice age in their already complicated work relationship. As a matter of fact, he was ready to face whatever the other soul reaper decided to unleash upon him if only he did survive.

The Captain of the Sixth Division had always been unshakable and invincible, so Renji had never really taken the time to consider the remote possibility of losing him. Was fate laughing in his face now? After a heavy blood and reiatsu loss, the soft rise and fall of the slighter man's chest was barely detectable. At first glance, one could think the fight for his life was already over at this point, but the redhead knew better. His superior was one of the strongest shinigami he had ever met, and that in itself gave him an advantage. His body might not be infallible, but he had an unsurmountable spirit and resolve as strong as his sword.

Kuchiki Byakuya simply could not die.

"The world will end if you do, Taicho," Renji said to himself as he watched the branches catch fire, "so you'd better not leave without me."

How come then that even knowing the other man's strength, he found himself scared that at the slightest movement, the slender frame would dissolve into spirit particles just like Senbonzakura shattered into bladed petals at its release command? With a heavy heart, he looked towards the opposite wall where he had placed the pieces of the noble's zanpakuto. It would eventually restore itself… if its master survived.

Although the tattooed man's indomitable determination to save his superior had not once wavered, a fatigued mind was fodder for anxiety and Renji's own insecurities. He lowered his head to watch the relentless dance of shadows on the ground, but could not silence the guilt gnawing at him. He would rather die than hurt his Captain. He had been sure of that since the day Byakuya had protected Rukia on Sokyoku Hill. The more it pained him that to save the life of a man he deeply cared for, he had not only caused him unimaginable physical pain, but also betrayed his trust by acting against his orders.

He cast a worried glance toward his unresponsive superior, calloused hands involuntarily clenching the fabric of his shihakusho.

_Will you ever forgive me, Taicho? After Aizen's betrayal, I have sworn to never disappoint you again. I'm sorry I couldn't keep that promise, but how can you expect me to just… let go of you? In your condition, you'd have died if the temperature had dropped further. My decision… I didn't even choose this. There simply was no choice._

He grabbed a thick branch from the pile and broke it in two before throwing each piece into the flames.

_Will you reassign me to another division because I'm so fucked-up that I can't follow simple orders even when I know you're gonna be pissed? Saving your life was worth it, you know. It's worth everything. But even though I stood up to you, I'm scared shitless that all I'm going to see is that I found the courage… too late._

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. The shelter he had found was likely to turn into Byakuya's grave if he did not restore enough of his own reiatsu in time to strengthen his Captain's.

Having made sure that the fire would not go out for some time, he rose from the ground and moved to kneel at the ravenette's side. As if to confirm his worries, despite the warm light coming from the fire, the noble's face looked frighteningly pale when set against the black shroud of his hair.

"Taicho…" Renji could not help ghosting the almost blue lips with his trembling thumb. On one hand, he was petrified by the prospect that this barely perceptible touch was going to wake his Captain, but desired this awakening more than anything in the world, on the other.

Surprisingly, the lack of a reaction only exacerbated the tension and he felt his throat constrict almost to the point of pain.

"You can't do this to me, Taicho," he took a pale hand in his own and lifted it to his lips. "You're a fighter. You've gotta fight because I won't give up on you. I healed what little I could. I won't take any more bullshit about you being useless… and if you open your eyes, you'll see…" his tear-brimmed eyes strayed to the smaller soul reaper's sword hand heavily bandaged with torn fabric. "You'll see it's still there, right where it should be. You just need to open your eyes and help me here."

But Byakuya did not seem to hear him. Time passed dreadfully slowly, and Renji's reiatsu continued to restore itself at an equal pace, driving him to the brink of madness. Food would certainly speed up the entire process, but foraging meant he would have to leave the unconscious noble alone and unprotected in the cave. This had been out of the question from the very beginning.

Ignoring his own needs, he eventually decided to exploit the small amount of power which had regenerated and began sending healing energy to bolster his superior's barely detectable reiatsu. Unfortunately, sheer willpower was not enough to trick his own body, and once and again the green light radiating from his palms flickered and died.

When it faded for good, his fist collided with the ground with a thud.

"Fuck this!"

Although his growl was likely to wake the dead, the other shinigami's limp form remained as still and silent as before and he could not help the shivers that went down his spine.

"This can't fucking end this way!" he rumbled, then smashed the ground again in a futile attempt to vent his frustration. He had every intention to continue his rant, but felt the air sucked from his lungs when grey eyes unexpectedly fluttered and soon ended up watching him with a dazed expression.

"T-taicho?"

"That is… s-some aw… awful racket," his superior winced and this time Renji really had to hold his breath to suppress a relieved sob that threatened to tear out of his chest.

"Taicho," he almost blushed at the emotion conveyed in that single word. "You shouldn't waste your breath. Please, rest, rest as much as you can. We're safe here."

Instead of resting, however, the noble craned his neck and his unsteady gaze travelled down towards his bandaged sword hand. Once the steel-grey eyes reached their target, the muscles in his right arm flexed experimentally and instantly brought a grimace of pain to the comely face. By no means discouraged, Byakuya reached out to peel off the makeshift bandage only to be stopped by Renji's staying hand.

"No peeking," the tattooed shinigami smiled, hoping his Captain would not mistake his resolve for disrespect.

"But… m-my…"

"It's alright. Orihime's going to fix that in no time, but right now you need to focus on regaining your strength."

For the first time in his life Renji witnessed that relief was a physical thing when all the muscles in the smaller soul reaper's body relaxed at the sound of those words. Byakuya's head fell back against the makeshift pillow, his emotions carefully masked. The only hint of the storm raging inside was a long exhale that obviously proved to be too much for his injured lungs, and was quickly followed by a raspy cough.

Renji reacted in an instant.

He lifted his Captain's upper body, with certain disquiet noting a complete lack of the usual resistance one could expect from a man as proud as the leader of the Kuchiki clan. Instead, the noble gasped and wheezed as his lungs convulsed, and the redhead could not help but wince whenever the man's face contorted in excruciating pain. Seeing him weaken further, he wound his arm around his quivering shoulders to help him stay upright.

"Easy, Taicho. You've gotta calm down now."

The words must have had a soothing effect because the tense muscles gradually softened beneath his fingers. The harsh, rib-shattering cough wracking Byakuya's body ceased, but a sheen of sweat which had formed on his forehead bore testimony to the extreme effort he was making, drawing every single shallow breath.

"Shhh…" Renji's hand was sliding up and down his superior's back as if he was no more than a distressed child . "You've got my word, Taicho, it's gonna be okay now."

He could not fathom why he had made that promise, but somehow the words felt right when the ravenette's head fell against his shoulder. He wasn't certain if he could keep his word, if help would arrive soon enough, but the injured man he was holding against his chest needed that reassurance as much as he needed air to breathe.

His protective instinct taking over, Renji nuzzled the smaller soul reaper's head under his chin and waited until his breath eventually became slow and steady. Although he could not decide whether he was more frightened by his Captain's condition or angry at his own powerlessness, all the tension miraculously seeped out of him as he buried his face in the raven black hair. He was shocked to find that even when matted with blood, sweat and dirt, the long strands still carried the sweet fragrance of sakura.

"We're gonna be okay, Taicho," he concluded, a small smile curving his lips as he caught the familiar scent.

The other shinigami's dazed eyes opened, but – too weak to speak – he simply allowed himself to be held. Still, Byakuya Kuchiki was Byakuya Kuchiki, and it did not take long before a trembling hand began crawling towards the bandaged arm – and once more ended up caught in Renji's grasp.

"I know where this is going," he chuckled good-naturedly, "and I told you. No peeking under the bandage. You should save your strength for later cause we'll be celebrating our return to the Seireitei soon. That is, right after I kick some quincy ass."

Despite his injuries, the noble was clearly lucid enough to turn in his subordinate's arms and stare him down with a deadly glare.

"Hey!" Renji frowned at him in mock disapproval. "These shitheads more than deserve it."

Byakuya only shook his head in resignation before the tattooed shinigami gently lowered him back onto the pillow. Not a word more was said, and even though Renji had encouraged the ravenette to rest earlier, he felt vaguely disappointed when the grey eyes drifted closed.

In his Captain's condition, it was probably for the best.

As the fire began to die out, he reluctantly left the older shinigami's side to throw in a few more branches. Exhaustion overwhelmed him, too, and sparks dancing over the flames lulled his mind to sleep.

It was already dawning when something fluttered against his nose, startling him. He inhaled in surprise, his heart beginning to ram against his chest and amber eyes widening as they registered the familiar shape of a hell butterfly. Reaching out to activate the message, he cursed under his breath when the impatient insect defiantly turned towards the cave exit.

"Don't even think of that!" he leaped to his feet and sprinted to block its way out.

Having no escape route left, the butterfly hovered in front of him before gracefully landing in his palm. Determined not to lose his chance, the redhead quickly commanded it to play the recorded message and was shocked by the image of a dreadfully sober Kyoraku Shunsui. He did not have to hear the words to know the extent of the damage the war had left in its wake – the Captain's pain-filled, somber eyes reflected it all, sending cold shivers down his spine.

_To all Gotei 13 officers. You will be relieved to know that although we sustained heavy losses, the immediate danger has passed. At this point we have no means of knowing how many of you are missing or injured, and the healers we can spare are, as you can imagine, few. We have dispatched additional hell butterflies throughout the battle zone, so that those who are unable to return on their own, can provide their coordinates. Help will arrive as soon as it is available. Do not lose hope._

As the message ended, the insect fluttered its wings and rose into the air.

"Record coordinates?" a computerized voice asked.

Renji nodded. "Y-yeah."

"Coordinates recorded. Commencing reiatsu scan."

A ray of blinding light erupted from an opening in the butterfly's head, travelling from the tip of the shinigami's head to his feet. Renji squinted, but forced himself to stand still until the light faded.

"Reiatsu identified. Abarai Renji. Sixth Division Fukutaicho. To aid the search, please identify other officers you may have encountered in your location."

"Kuchiki Byakuya. He's with me and in need of immediate medical help."

The insect hovered in the air a few seconds longer, as if waiting to see if he had more to say.

"There's no one else here," the redhead rolled his eyes.

"Information recorded. Returning to base."

The tattooed shinigami watched the insect glide through the cave exit and soon disappear in the misty greyness of dawn. He exhaled in relief and turned his head towards the corner of the cave where his Captain was resting, unaware of the unexpected visitor. The younger soul reaper knelt by his side and gently touched his arm.

"Taicho, wake up. We've got lucky."

The noble stirred sluggishly, but as he turned his head to meet his lieutenant's gaze, Renji's breath caught. The sunken eyes were watching him with a bewildered, half-vacant expression. It seemed that the slighter man had barely recognized him, and the reason behind his confusion became obvious straightaway when the redhead noticed that his superior's lean face was covered in tiny droplets of sweat and suffused with an unhealthy flush. Renji froze, instantly recognizing the clear evidence that he must have contracted one of the viruses spreading across the low Rukongai.

"T-taicho…" the tattooed shinigami's hand trembled as he touched the other's forehead, warily meeting Byakuya's hazy eyes. "You're burning up with fever. Damn it… We should have left the battlefield before the night."

"I am f-fine," the familiar low baritone was barely more than a whisper. "Is… is it al-already m-morning?"

"Yeah. Don't worry. A hell butterfly has found us. More good luck like this and help's gonna come soon. You just rest some more."

"It's c-cold," the ravenette croaked, his body beginning to shiver despite the obvious effort to hide his discomfort.

Renji felt a twinge of concern. "I'll light a fire in no time, Taicho. You just hang on."

"A-re we g-going home?" Byakuya continued as if he had not heard him at all.

"Not yet, Taicho."

The redhead gently cradled a sweaty hand in his own before giving him a reassuring smile.

"Soon."

"That is… g-good."

Not wishing to waste any more time, Renji reluctantly let go of the other man and sprang to his feet to turn to the task at hand. As he used a basic kido spell, a tiny flame burst from the tinder, spreading rapidly to consume dry leaves, bark and grass he had collected. Careful not to smother the fire, he continued adding twigs and thicker branches until it roared, exuding pleasant warmth and illuminating the cave. In an instant, he returned to his Captain's side, but cringed inwardly, seeing that his chest rose and fell at an accelerated pace now and his breathing became shorter.

"Taicho?"

The dark grey eyes languidly turned to him. Renji swallowed hard, the tension making whatever he wanted to say slip his mind. He decided not to say anything in the end and instead lifted a familiar bottle that he had purposefully left at his Captain's side when he had finished dressing his wounds the day before.

The raven-haired shinigami furrowed his brows. "S-sake?" he panted softly.

"I'm afraid water's all we've got. I used the empty bottle to collect some from the river while I was looking for shelter yesterday."

The parched lips twitched, round hazy eyes gazing at the bottle expectantly. The younger soul reaper felt a pang of guilt, suddenly realizing that he should have thought about this earlier. It was obvious the noble was too weak to reach for the bottle and quench his thirst on his own, but all the same too proud to ever admit he needed help. Fully aware of this, Renji did not bother to ask. He simply slipped a hand under his superior's head to lift it and tilted the bottle to pour a little of its content down his throat.

What he saw on the usually stern face was blissful relief, even though it was clear the pain did not fade and each breath still required a tremendous amount of effort.

Without a word being said, Renji used a few more drops to dampen a piece of cloth he had prepared before and then gently cooled his Captain's face. Grateful eyes blinked back at him and he smiled bracingly.

"Now all you need to do is rest, Taicho. I'll be right here."

The bigger soul reaper was about to make himself comfortable by the noble's side before he caught a barely perceptible movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned and frowned at Byakuya's left hand, which now lay obviously closer to the bandaged arm. Shaking his head, he tutted in mock disapproval.

"What do we have here?" he asked, gently lifting the pale fingertips to his lips.

The noble's eyes narrowed, but Renji clearly ignored the warning.

"These mischievous fingers must have an agenda of their own," he smirked, trying to lighten the mood, "cause I know you couldn't have forgotten our agreement. No peeking under the bandage. I know you wouldn't go back on your word, so we're just gonna have to keep them under watch or else the bandages might end up displaced. We wouldn't want that, Taicho, now would we?"

Byakuya let out a startled gasp as his lieutenant wound a muscular arm around his waist.

The redhead only grinned smugly in reply. He would never be able to say that openly, but poring over countless piles of documents back in the Sixth Division office, he had fantasized about that kind of intimate closeness with his Captain so many times, he had literally lost count. Of course, more often than not his imagination took this much further, but right now it was already more than he could ever hope for.

Somehow… it was enough.

_Because… Taicho… I…_

A gentle tugging startled him out of his thoughts. Meeting his Captain's wide open eyes, he curled his fingers around the trembling, slender hand he had previously captured before kissing it again.

"L-let go," sounded the barely audible command.

"No way. This little culprit stays with me," Renji said with conviction as he tightened his tanned hand on his Captain's, and before the leader of the Kuchiki clan could protest, pressed it to his heart.

Byakuya's eyes rounded as the steady rhythm of his lieutenant's body pulsed under his fingertips. Feeling warmth rising in his chest, he was grateful for the fever masking the flush that had to be spreading across his face. All too well aware that resistance was futile, he only sighed, but could not hide the small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

Emboldened, Renji scooted closer to him, watching dreamily as the grey eyes drifted closed.


	6. Chapter 6

**I promised myself these chapters won't be getting longer.  
So... today we're celebrating the sixth chapter being twice as long as the first.  
I wish my self-confidence could grow that way.**

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In the periphery of his vision fire was burning, bathing the cave in a warm, golden glow. His lieutenant seemed to be determined not to let the flames burn out and kept himself busy collecting wood and other useful supplies he could scavenge in close proximity to the cave. Byakuya's hazy eyes observed the growing pile and he was relatively certain Renji said something to him each time before he left, but the sound echoed so badly he could not discern the words. A few times the redhead returned with a handful of mushrooms and berries, as well, and the latter were insistently placed into the Captain's mouth, even though he stubbornly turned his head away.

He knew the other shinigami's chances of survival outmatched his own by far, and was resolute to facilitate Renji's safe return rather than further weaken him by using up their scarce supplies. In fact, this commonly employed strategy was taught to all recruits in the Academy – in desperate times, the unit was to support its strongest members who could yet tilt the balance in favor of Soul Society. There were procedures in place for situations like this. At this moment, he constituted the weakest link, and as powerless as he was now, he was expendable – to Central 46, to the Gotei 13 and even to his own clan.

But, for some God forsaken reason, not to Renji.

Although the redhead was strong and still could move, perhaps even fight if need be, he chose to ignore all that he had been taught and continued to coax his superior into opening his mouth and accepting berries and an occasional sip of water. The rough fingers were warm and surprisingly gentle, yet at the same time unrelenting, lifting his head and preventing him from turning away. Dazed as he was, the noble could not find the will to oppose these insistent hands, but then, his lieutenant had never been one to take "no" for an answer.

_He will not stop fighting for me even when I am already lost_, he mused._ In a time of war such foolishness might get him killed, but then… his defiance speaks of devotion. It is a debt that is not easily paid and I already owe him for protecting Rukia when I could not. She needs him._

Byakuya's eyes darted to the tattooed shinigami who was checking his bandages for any sign of bleeding. Sensing the movement, warm amber eyes met his gaze and for a reason he could not fathom, contentment warmed him from within. His eyes crinkled and a hint of a smile played at the corners of his mouth.

_Renji. For so long you have dreamed of surpassing me… and now that the chance has presented itself, you choose to risk your life to save mine?_

"Hey. You're with me, Taicho?"

More questions ensued, but whatever the redhead said ended up distorted. Byakuya did not mind. Oddly, the sound of Renji's voice alone had a calming effect and the noble felt his body relax despite the scrambled thoughts littering his already troubled mind and revolving around the future of the two people that mattered most to him.

_Compared to me, he lives in deplorable conditions, but still can __offer her more than I ever could because of who I am and all the expectations connected with it. He is the friend she needs… a person she is likely to confide in. He is more of a brother to her than I have ever been…_

A gentle touch to his cheek derailed his thoughts for a moment.

"Taicho, are you listening to me?"

Smoky eyes blinked, but the spark of comprehension did not light up their dark depths.

He could not tell how much time had passed as the world around him became still and quiet. In a state of semi-consciousness, he was vaguely aware of the waves of coldness running through his body and the sudden tightness in his chest.

_Quincies… The quincies could still be lurking here…_

An image of his smiling, red-haired lieutenant flashed through his mind and he let out a shuddering breath.

_He is taking unnecessary risk, staying here with me. At least one of us needs to return. What if the clan rejects her once I am gone? She needs… n-needs…_

"R-rukia…" the words were barely audible, but in an instant calloused fingers entwined with his.

"Easy, Taicho… I told you I'd be back in a minute and I'm here now."

"Rukia!"

Feverish eyes burned with resolve, but then a cool cloth brushed against his sweat dampened throat and relief took over.

"Hey, you don't get to shout until your lungs are healed," Renji chided him, giving him a lopsided grin. "Getting all worked up will only weaken you while you're sweating out the fever, and you're gonna need all your strength to fight off this nasty infection."

"R-ru…kia…"

The redhead faked another smile, his rough thumb absently brushing along a trembling forearm.

"Come on, Taicho. She's gonna be fine. Life in the Rukongai ain't no walk in the park and any kid who gets out of here alive sure ain't one of those pretty koi that swim in your pond and need special care," he said as he dampened the cloth again and used it to stroke Byakuya's forehead, smoothing back errant strands of raven hair. "If you want to survive in the Rukongai, you've gotta be a goddamn piranha. Even the viruses here are fucking deadly. I grew up here, so I know what I'm saying, and she's always been the smarter of the two of us."

Byakuya's brow furrowed in a sudden moment of lucidity.

"D-did you… c-call… m-my sister…"

Renji could not help a chuckle that instantly earned him a cutting glance.

"Of all the things I said to you today, did you really have to hear THAT?" he asked in a sudden attempt at humor. "I've said a million other things I did want you to hear. What about 'You're the best Captain in the entire Gotei 13' or 'The smell of your hair calms me down'?"

The noble blinked, a confused expression plastered on his face. He took in a sharp breath when the tattooed man touched his face and warm fingers began tracing the line of his jaw before sliding smoothly towards his cheekbone.

"That's some serious case of selective hearing," Renji whispered.

The older shinigami looked determined to answer, but his concentration already weakened by the fever quickly buckled under the gentle touch. His subordinate, however, seemed in no way discouraged.

"See, Taicho," he continued, lacing his fingers with his Captain's. "Rukia may not be able to match your strength yet, but she sure can take care of herself. If any of those shitheads tried to touch her, I bet they're missing body parts now. Kami knows, she's bitten _me_ more than once!"

Renji laughed, and his superior could not help but think it was an unexpectedly pleasant, uplifting sound. He realized his lieutenant had never laughed in his presence (or while being aware of his presence anyway), although he often did so when training the lower-ranked members of the division.

Byakuya bit his lip.

_What has changed? Did he find me… intimidating before? Being as weak as I am now, with my reiatsu abysmally low, I am no longer one to be feared. Is this why he has decided to let go of all pretense and speak his mind?_

"What's going on in that head of yours?" the redhead bent over the noble to once again cool his flushed throat.

_Do you really want to know? Get the hell back to the Seireitei to protect my sister!_

Byakuya could not tell where the abrupt rush of energy came from, but Renji nearly jumped out of his skin when his shihakusho was swiftly grabbed and he was yanked down, his face only inches away from his Captain's.

"Rukia!"

"O-okay. Okay," the redhead muttered, gently prying the smaller soul reaper's fist open. "That was… sudden. You want to talk about Rukia?"

_No, you imbecile. Do I really have to spell it out for you? I want you to… Ugh. Who am I trying to fool? You are too stubborn to leave. I am stuck here with you, am I not?_

"We can talk about Rukia when you've rested."

"N-no… it… it…"

Byakuya felt the other shinigami's muscular hand enclose his before lowering it to his side.

"When you've rested, Taicho."

Faced with Renji's determination, he had little choice but to calm down and in the end forgot entirely what he had been trying so hard to communicate. As the world outside the cave grew dizzily bright, he was grateful for the soothing dance of flames that did not lance through the comforting greyness, but rather dissolved into it like watercolors. And like watercolors in the rain, the redhead's face gradually lost its sharp lines, words spoken softly to him lost their meaning, and the reality around him became decidedly hazy. Before his thoughts jumbled as well, he came to realize that his reiatsu must have declined further and was presently too low to allow his consciousness to fully surface.

It was pointless to struggle, but against all odds, sleep did not come.

Despite the fire burning, what did come was the feeling of icy numbness beginning in the tips of his toes and creeping up almost to his chest. He desperately tried to ignore the shivers rippling through his body, hoping to eventually pass out into blissful nothingness. Instead of rest, however, the darkness beneath his eyelids brought the chilling glare of the quincy, As Nodt, replaying the battle he had lost in a never-ending loop that was occasionally broken with visions a hundred times darker and a thousand times more painful than his shameful failure.

As time passed, his consciousness began to drift in and out of focus and he lost the sense of time. The fear, which the power of his enemy had cursed him with, was like poison running through his veins, permeating every thought with irrational, unrealistic anxiety. Intensified by fever-induced delirium, what used to be memories soon evolved into surreal visions that caught him like a maelstrom.

"Taicho, you're growing restless again..."

The kind voice that rose out of the darkness was suddenly chased away by a stronger, darker presence.

_"… __are you afraid?"_

_Byakuya turned around to face a raven-haired quincy dressed in a long white uniform. The man stood motionlessly on the top of a hill towering over the forest and only his long, straight hair and white cloak were flowing in the wind like billowed sails._

_"__I will never be intimidated by the likes of you," came the steadfast answer._

_The dark, bottomless eyes narrowed as if the Sternritter was smirking, but the lower half of his face remained obscured by his spiked mask. He tilted his head to the side in an unsettling manner that bespoke a twisted personality even less human than the Captain of the Sixth Division could ever claim to be as a shinigami._

_"__It is not me you will give in to, but your own fears, Kuchiki Byakuya."_

_The noble raised a fine eyebrow. "If that is the core of your strategy, you are bound to lose. As the heir of the Kuchiki clan, I was raised to be beyond fear."_

_As Nodt laughed menacingly. "Such a foolish assumption. You have yet to find that the essence of my power is by far more profound and persistent. No rational thought can chase away insanity. Your resolve is meaningless because once infected with irrational fear, you will remain in its grasp and succumb to it until I choose to end your misery… with my arrows."_

_The raven-haired shinigami frowned. The discussion was pointless and there was no time to lose, especially since the remaining enemy forces were in all likelihood launching an attack on the Seireitei at that very moment. Mindful of the fact that the lives of thousands of souls depended on his skills, Byakuya allowed the urge to protect them to guide his hand. __He raised his sword to unleash his bankai… _

_… __and froze._

_His palm was empty; and the feeling… was frighteningly familiar._

_"__Do you feel the pain of loss?" the Sternritter asked with chilling calm. "I have been told that shinigami and zanpakuto are halves of a single soul. Does it hurt to experience a part of your essence being torn away?"_

_"__Senbonzakura!" Byakuya gasped in disbelief upon seeing his own zanpakuto wielded by his enemy._

_Thin fingers tipped with black nails curled around the hilt like slithering snakes and rage nearly consumed him at the sight. His mouth set in a hard line, but otherwise his perfect composure did not let the emotion surface, though inwardly he was seething. How was this even possible? A mere second before the sword had been in his hand and the only tactic the quincy had used was delaying the battle by delivering an unending speech about his enigmatic power. _

_Was this a ploy to distract him? A carefully prepared ambush that could rival Aizen's deadly illusions?_

_If this was merely a trick to deceive him, he knew he should still be able to sense the spirit of his zanpakuto in his inner world. However, in the depths of his soul which Senbonzakura had once inhabited, now only unfamiliar emptiness remained, sending a shiver of foreboding through his stomach. In no time his shihakusho became strangely moist against his skin. The lack of any logical explanation only deepened his confusion, especially when the sound of his own heart thumping against his ribcage drowned out all that the quincy had to say._

_A fluttery, disconcerting feeling trickled down his spine._

_Was that… _

_…__fear?_

_"__Bankai, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi!"_

_The words belonged to him, but this time the voice that carried them was not his own. A large incoming wave of pinkish blades left no place for doubt and he felt incredulity give way to shame. Would this be his end? Would history remember him as a once great leader… disgraced and defeated by his own zanpakuto?_

_He should not have blinked. It struck him the moment he opened his eyes only to find that the reality around him had been devoured by some unnerving, artificial construct. _

_What used to be a vibrant clearing in the forest had morphed into an empty, windswept plain covered by snow glittering in the moonlight. As awareness sluggishly returned to his befuddled mind, he realized that he was looking at the world from a very odd angle and soon found himself being dragged across the unforgiving winterscape, leaving an unsettling red trail._

_"__N-no…" he muttered, his breath steaming in the cold air as he struggled to free himself from the other's grasp._

_The sound of footsteps crunching in the snow instantly stopped and the quincy sent his captive a disapproving glare. _

_"__I do not believe you have a say in the matter," he said simply as he let go of the noble's wrists, then watched the bound man hit the frozen ground with a stifled grunt of pain. "The past cannot be changed. It is a fact even the chosen ones like me are bound to accept." _

_"__You are delusional," the shinigami panted. "If you assume that I will succumb…"_

_"__I do not need to make assumptions. I merely accept what I see." _

_The clan leader's eyes widened as the quincy languidly moved to bend over him like a predator evaluating the prey it had hunted down seconds before._

_"__What I see… is a man with an uncertain future," As Nodt said his dark, __lustrous eyes narrowed, "and an intriguing past I am tempted to explore."_

_It took all of Byakuya's willpower not to flinch as the lanky hands touched his cheek, sending an icy chill through his body._

_"__You are… an exceptional prize," the Sternritter continued as his innate curiosity got the better of him and he leaned closer. "I am expected to bring you to Silbern for questioning, but I doubt they would recognize your full potential. Such a waste."_

_The noble glared at him, but did not even twitch until the spikes in the other's mask almost touched his bruised face. Unable to bear the contact any longer, he pushed his feet against the ground in an attempt to move away from the nightmarish quincy. His plan had, however, been anticipated and the long fingers quickly tightened on his arms to hold him down, black fingernails digging into his flesh through the shihakusho._

_"__One can fight for the future, but no one can change the past, Kuchiki Byakuya."_

_His breath quickened. "The… past?"_

_Although he tried to reign in the raging emotions, he could not help it when a muscle in his jaw twitched and the white-clad man's eyes sparkled with a dark, obsessive emotion._

_His stomach clenched. He had a vague recollection of having already seen that triumphant look before the recent events surfaced in the form of a tidal wave rushing in front of his eyes. Memories of his shameful defeat, of the Sternritter stealing his zanpakuto and leaving him on the battlefield to die, slammed into him like a tsunami._

_"__N-no! No…"_

_The quincy took a moment to observe him, apparently savoring the look of anguish on the comely face. "Then, you remember our encounter. It would be a shame if such a memorable experience was forgotten in the end."_

_Though his mouth had gone dry, somehow Byakuya found the strength to answer his tormentor with much unwelcome defiance._

_"__As Nodt may have defeated me, but you are nothing more than a memory," he muttered._

_"__Is this what you think? I will let you judge."_

_The movement was so fast, it should not have been possible; and yet the bony hand penetrated the incapacitated shinigami's chest, rupturing the skin, muscle and bone before grabbing his heart in a vice-like grip. Byakuya could not help the tortured scream that tore out of his throat. His shocked mind barely registered the blood spurting from his chest and soaking into an expanse of moonlit snow._

_"__Does it hurt like a memory?" the Sternritter continued, unmoved. "It is time to face the truth. I have corrupted your soul and now it belongs to me."_

"You have to calm down, Taicho!"

_The disembodied voice sounded familiar, the noble realized. The tension and urgency in it made him wonder how much of what he saw was a construct of the quincy's power and what could actually be attributed to his precarious condition. He tried to will the pain away, but despite failing miserably, he was determined to regain control of what seemed to be nothing more than the workings of his mind._

_"__This is not r-real," he said, the blood in his throat adding an unsettling, gurgling sound to his baritone. "It simply c-cannot be."_

_The quincy withdrew his hand painfully slowly, droplets of crimson staining the snow. His silhouette flickered and for a moment Byakuya dared to hope that the returning lucidity would offer him a way out of this delusion. _

_He could not have been more mistaken. _

_All of a sudden the moon was obscured by dense clouds and the temperature dropped further. Darkness gathered around him like shapeless vultures, glaring, judging and waiting for the barely perceptible rise and fall of his chest to cease. In vain did he try to convince himself there was nothing in the dark save the empty, snow-covered landscape and the quincy, whose silhouette was now outlined with a silvery glow of the reishi he had gathered around himself._

_"__Are you afraid, shinigami?"_

_"__No. I d-do not fear you."_

_Oddly, it was the truth. With the memory of the lost battle came the awareness that as weak and dishonored as he was now, he was unworthy of being alive. Still, the uncertainty, the danger lurking in the shadows left him vigilant at all times, and he realized his mutilated, bleeding body craved for a moment of rest. If only his keen senses could allow him a short respite... But whenever he closed his eyes, something was always waiting, camouflaged in the dark, and he knew that as long as the Sternritter remained by his side, rest would not come._

_It began as a single, barely audible sound reminiscent of scraping, as if someone was tapping an impossibly thin twig against the snow. A sick feeling formed in the pit of his stomach when in the dead of the night the sound seemed to have multiplied and was accompanied by even more suspicious clicking._

_"__W-what… what is that?" he managed, already wondering if he truly wanted to know the answer. "What is h-happening?"_

_As Nodt tilted his head in exactly the same unsettling manner as before._

_"__The future," he answered._

_Searching for the source of the sound, the noble turned his head before he felt something touch his hand. He jerked instinctively, then spotted a black beetle travelling up his arm. He instantly shook it off only to realize that it was merely one of many, hundreds actually and quickly growing in number, trying to climb up his arms, legs and body. Frustration began to overwhelm him as he frantically tried to get the insects off his shihakusho._

_"__B-beetles?!" he demanded. "Is that the b-best you can do?"_

"Please, you have to stop!" cried a distressed voice. "You're ripping off the bandages!"

_"__Why, Byakuya, you underestimate my creativity, though I must admit these carnivorous critters are quite a grotesque metaphor. Have you perchance wondered why they have not harmed you yet?"_

_The noble froze, struck with the truth he had been failing to notice. This wasn't about him. He was merely a meaningless obstacle on the insects' way._

"Taicho, lie still, you're hurting yourself!"

_"__This is not your future," the quincy's chilling voice drowned out the familiar one. "It is hers."_

_He gathered what little strength he had left to lift his head in the direction the critters were swarming. The sight that met his eyes sucked the air out of his lungs, leaving him unable to scream or even move to expel the sickness that instantly rose in his throat. All that Kuchiki Byakuya had ever been, meant or stood for, simply fell apart there and then._

_Because several feet from him lay the corpse of a painfully familiar dark-haired woman – a feast for the worms. _

_Hisana…_

_A sudden wave of nausea mingled with despair, rage and a hundred other emotions he could not even name swept over him, and his bleeding heart began to pound against his ribcage faster than he had ever remembered it to beat. _

_"__I know your weakness, Kuchiki Byakuya," the Sternritter intercepted an errant tear on his fingertip, looking at it intently as if contemplating an extremely precious and rare occurrence. "Your past, your present, your future… they all belong to me now. And there is so much more to explore."_

_His chest heaving, Byakuya strove to ignore the enemy and instead fought for every breath, desperate to remain conscious long enough to protect what little was left of his late wife's already decomposing body. But it was all in vain, and accompanied by the feeling of helplessness and shame, tears continued to stream down his cheeks unrestrained. _

_He did not know where the strength had actually come from, or perhaps the sight had already brought him to the verge of madness, but in a final effort he fired a blast of kido aimed at his adversary. It was easily blocked and did not come without a price which he quickly learned of as the world around him began to spin._

_Before he knew it, his mind plunged headlong into darkness._

"Taicho, can you hear me?"

Hazy grey eyes opened to the sight of a disheveled and panting Abarai Renji striving to keep both his arms pinned to the ground. Realizing who he was struggling against, he instantly forced himself to relax. The position was hardly comfortable and he winced as the pain radiating from his injured shoulder registered all of a sudden.

"S-sorry…" the redhead said apologetically as he loosened his grip. "I didn't want you to hurt yourself."

He seemed to be waiting for some kind of reaction, but with his heart racing in his chest, all Byakuya could do was struggle to draw in enough air despite the searing pain piercing his lungs. The cold dampness covering his skin immediately communicated to him that he was sweating profusely. Ignoring the unpleasantness, he focused instead on evening out his breathing.

"You okay now?" his lieutenant asked worriedly. "You nearly ripped off the bandages and singed my hair with a kido blast. How did you do that? Your current reiatsu level is barely enough to keep you al-."

He gasped.

Byakuya saw the incredulity etched on his tanned face. And then as the numbness in his body receded, he began to feel the tiny streams travelling down his face.

_No! This is… unacceptable!_

Born a noble, he was highly adept at controlling his emotions. This time, however he found himself helpless against the sudden surge. The tears continued to blur his vision before rolling down his face unhindered, his body shivering despite all the attempts to regain his composure. The emotional lock he had perfected throughout the years simply refused to engage.

"N-no…"

Renji looked genuinely shocked by the sight, but somehow, instead of being confronted with questions like he had been expecting, Byakuya felt a hand slip into his and squeeze gently.

"That's okay, Taicho," the redhead reached out to move a wayward strand of hair from his Captain's face.

The motion was probably meant to serve as a distraction because before the noble could protest, he was swiftly gathered in his lieutenant's strong arms and lifted onto his lap.

"There," Renji said soothingly, threading the fingers of one hand through the long, raven hair and rubbing his other hand up and down the smaller shinigami's back, holding him close.

The noble's eyes opened wide, but he lacked both the strength and the will to break away from the warm embrace. Instead, he lowered his head onto the tattooed man's shoulder.


	7. Chapter 7

**I was looking for a way to make this chapter shorter.**  
**And failed miserably! I hope you enjoy it ;) Reviews are very, very welcome.**

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Renji sucked in a surprised breath, then froze, afraid that if he moved, the face buried in the crook of his neck would turn away. The muscular hand travelling up and down his Captain's back paused in the midst of movement and in that moment of unbelievable stillness he was inclined to believe his heart had stopped beating as well. It all seemed so unreal. The scent of sakura invading his senses, the soft touch of raven hair under his chin, the delicate and unbelievably warm feeling of Byakuya's cheek nuzzled against him.

_Kami, I could die now just to let this be my last memory_, he thought, his mind overwhelmed by a flood of stimuli he had so far experienced only in his fantasies.

It was a challenge to keep his hands from diving under the folds of the man's shihakusho. For years, he had craved for physical intimacy with his Captain, be it at least some basic skin-to-skin contact when the older shinigami corrected his fighting stance. That sinful softness was worth every disapproving glance his superior sent his way as he purposefully made the same mistake over and over. Nonetheless, now that the object of his affection was literally at his fingertips… he could not allow anything to happen. Not when Byakuya was unlikely to remember any of it… or worse – would remember every second, and choose to shred him for it.

_I know you find me attractive… and you didn't really resist that kiss or else I'd probably be dead, but… No, if we ever cross that line, I want it to be your decision, not mine. I can wait. I can wait for as long as it takes. For now, I'm just gonna hold you until you're one hundred percent sure that this is what you want But first, you need to get well._

He was grateful his superior could not see the hot flush spreading across his face when he shifted to conceal the clear evidence of his arousal. There was nothing he wanted more in the world than for the raven-haired shinigami to recover, but with Byakuya sitting in his lap, the unrelenting fever seemed to be the only thing keeping the slighter man from feeling the all too obvious bulge in his pants.

"I w-will not… l-let you…"

The barely audible warning the noble mumbled in his delirium made Renji stiffen.

"… d-defile her memory!"

Recognizing who Byakuya was most likely referring to, the redhead felt a tightness building in his chest as he absorbed the words.

"N-no, Taicho, I would never…" he managed, his mind in turmoil. "I promise I would never… I…"

But whatever it was he wanted to promise, never left his lips. His thoughts did not end up spoken aloud as he understood that even with his consciousness barely surfacing, his Captain seemed to have realized the effect he was having on his subordinate and clearly… did not approve. Something broke in the tattooed shinigami when Byakuya used what little strength he still had to put the whole thing to an end before it even began; the severe blow that came out of nowhere shattered all his hopes.

Why was this such a surprise? Should he have not expected this? Hell, it's been over half a century since Hisana's death and he knew from Rukia that his Captain still visited her shrine every evening.

_Damn it, what the fuck is wrong with me? Do I really have to fall in love with people who can never love me back?_

Surprise, surprise. Renji narrowly resisted the urge to facepalm. His life had always been full of shit. This was just the next and certainly not the last one, but somehow… it hurt more than other disasters that still continued to replay themselves in his mind when he slept.

_That's what you get for wishful thinking. It was just too good to be true…_

The redhead gulped down the pain that seemed to be growing like the lump in his throat.

_Damn, I'm so pathetic. I'm not even a monkey, I'm a fucking Rukongai mongrel. How could I compete with his dead wife? I should know my place. It's always been with my face in the dirt, why do I even bother?_

"I'm so sorry…" Renji's hand instinctively tightened around the slighter man who lay collapsed against his chest. "I promise you, Taicho, you're safe with me. Your love for her is safe with me, too."

He could not tell whether the shivers passing through Byakuya's lithe frame resulted from fever, weakness or emotion, but he was glad when the precious, trembling body in his arms gradually calmed and the noble's erratic breathing evened out. Everything grew still and quiet and for the first time in days Renji finally began to feel the physical pain that he had been so far sweeping under the carpet.

His injuries were minor, but damn, the pain gnawed at his insides like one of those starved rats infesting the low Rukongai. Or was that the pain of being rejected? It hurt like hell, but in the back of his mind he had always known it would end this way. Had Byakuya not told him years ago what the difference between them was?

_It's class_, Renji swiftly recalled his Captain's words. _I just thought for a moment that maybe… now that I'm stronger… and I've mastered my bankai… Ugh. I'm such an idiot. What was I thinking?_

In spite of the words piercing his heart with deadly precision that could rival Senbonzakura's bladed petals, he could not help feeling grateful for the unexpected closeness. If that moment was all he could hope for, he was resolute to savor it. The warmth of his Captain nestled against him, his shihakusho permeated with the heat of his feverish body, the sweet, intoxicating scent of his skin and hair…

It was hardly a choice. No matter what Byakuya had said, Renji simply found himself unable to put any kind of distance between them.

It did not mean he was naïve. He would never reach the moon and if they wanted to stay alive, they still had a long way to go, but somehow this short moment of respite from the madness that had consumed the world around them, seemed to tilt the scales in their favor. It was what Renji chose to believe. In their current predicament, his Captain needed all the confidence he could muster; and so he chose to live in that moment and refused to let it pass into oblivion.

_I'll never let you go, Taicho. I know your heart belongs to her… and always will. But just today… we need each other. If there's nothing more you wish from me, I'll offer you my shoulder to rest your head on… and my hands to hold you…. and I'll be damn happy if you accept this much. It's more than I've ever really hoped for._

He closed his eyes, smoothing long, raven hair down the back of the noble's shihakusho, and smiled ruefully.

_I am holding the moon in my arms. Shouldn't I simply be thankful?_

Lost in his thoughts, he was almost dozing off himself when Byakuya's hands tightened on his uniform and his breathing quickened.

"I will not… let you…def-file her m-memory!"

A chill passed through the tattooed man's body as the familiar line which had already etched itself in his memory returned with full force. Only that now, feeling his Captain quiver in his arms, he had reasons to suspect he was not its intended recipient.

"You are… n-not… not r-real."

"Taicho?" Renji lifted his head, blinking the drowsiness away.

The anguished noble's breath was coming in ragged gasps now. "Cannot… h-hurt her… you're not… that quincy… you are…!"

Amber eyes widened.

_Hell, he wasn't talking to me the first time he said it!_

"Taicho, it's just a dream," he murmured reassuringly into Byakuya's hair, hoping to offer his superior a gentle awakening from the nightmare. "You're trembling again. You have to calm down, okay?"

He felt the body in his arms stiffen, then gradually relax. As the delicate weight was lifted from his shoulder, he was met with a pair of deeply confused, incoherent steel-grey eyes. Glistening beads of sweat were travelling down his Captain's comely face, bearing testimony to the consuming fever and the battles the man appeared to constantly wage, even in his sleep.

"You don't look so good, Taicho," Renji said worriedly as he quickly dampened the cloth he'd been using to cool the sick noble's face, then gently stroked his forehead.

"It's b-because… that quincy…" the noble panted, shivering. "H-he is inside me."

The redhead had always found it hard to keep his thoughts to himself, but whatever became evident in his expression, his commanding officer certainly did not like it.

"I-inside my h-head!" he corrected, another bout of coughing threatening.

"O-oh… sure," his lieutenant grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, I've watched the "Alien" series with Ichigo and… got a bit carried away."

"I d-do not even want to know… what t-that is."

"No, you don't," Renji chuckled, hoping that a bit of humor would help release the tension. "So… um… you're having nightmares? With that quincy you battled?"

"He t-took S-s-enb-bonzakura."

"Your zanpakuto? He's here, Taicho," he explained, squeezing the raven-haired shinigami's hand gently. "Broken, but I managed to gather the pieces and I'm sure the sword will restore itself."

"N-no, he took him," Byakuya persisted.

"Taicho, please…"

And all of a sudden the pale hand slipped out of the bigger man's grasp and clutched at the front of his uniform. "He t-took him!"

Renji sighed helplessly. "You're feverish, Taicho. I know you're distressed and confused, I really get that. Why don't we just take some time to talk about it… without you getting agitated over nothing?"

"N-nothing?!" The familiar, exasperated baritone lowered ominously.

"Well…ugh…"

"He did… steal him f-from me!"

"Okay, now you're getting all worked up," Renji continued, steadily. "Look, Senbonzakura's here, I swear."

Byakuya stifled a sigh of annoyance before his eyes flicked in the direction Renji was pointing towards. To the redhead's bewilderment, his attempt to talk some sense into his Captain backfired as the sight of the broken remains of his sword perturbed him even more. The slender hand which had grabbed the front of his shihakusho tightened.

"S-sen…!" the noble gasped in dismay.

The tattooed soul reaper used the moment of distraction to pry the slender fingers open.

"C'mon, I've told you, he's going to restore…"

"N-no!"

"Fine, I get it, you don't do compromise," Renji smiled good-naturedly, raising his hands in a placating gesture. "Too bad, ya know, because if you did, I might be willing to trade another kiss for it."

Byakuya's dazed mind too late registered that the arms which had been holding him no longer offered him the support he needed. Having suddenly lost his balance, he swayed backwards, only to be caught just in time and once more hauled close to the bigger soul reaper's chest.

"Where do you think you're going?" his lieutenant asked with a charming smile.

Byakuya frowned, his eyes throwing daggers at his subordinate.

"Y-you're an oblivious f-fool," he managed in a reprimanding tone.

"I know that. I've known it for a long, long time," Renji chuckled, gently running his fingers through his superior's long hair.

A tinge of worry passed through him when the leader of the Kuchiki clan ceased expressing his displeasure and simply fell silent. With Byakuya's chest pressed against his own, he could feel the faint heartbeat accelerate in an effort to make up for the injured and now also probably infected lungs. It did not bode well in the long run.

What could possibly be taking so long? He had already sent two hell butterflies. Granted, his personal one had been dispatched to the practically inexistent Fourth Division, but it should have been redirected and reached a rescue team nonetheless.

_Where are those damn healers? I could carry him back to the Seiretei, though it would take days without my flashstep and if we leave, they ain't gonna find us anytime soon. Damn, as long as the fever continues, he's not up for that kinda trip anyway…_

He scrutinized the unhealthily flushed cheeks, skin glistening with a sheen of sweat and half-lidded, glazed eyes looking back at him with unsuccessfully concealed fatigue. It did not take long to realize that their short dispute over Senbonzakura's fate was enough to drain what little energy his Captain had managed to restore while sleeping.

"Hey…" Renji murmured soothingly. "You're not losing hope there, are you?"

"T-tired," the noble whispered, unknowingly confirming the other man's conclusion.

"I know. Sleep… Byakuya."

_Byakuya…_

As was the case with all forbidden fruits, his commanding officer's name tasted sweet on his tongue. It was a violation of the military protocol and the noble was likely to take it for disrespect, but when you held someone in your arms, using a military designation seemed simply… out of place.

What began as a barely perceptible smile, threatened to widen into a full-fledged grin when the slighter shinigami overlooked the obvious misconduct. With Byakuya being a stickler for the rules, the lack of the usual retort probably meant he was simply too dazed to react. Renji, however, was tempted to think that his attempt at fraternizing with his Captain was silently accepted.

Time passed by, and though the fire in the cave slowly burned down to glowing embers, the feverish body collapsed against the redhead's chest awakened an equally scorching sensation deep within him.

_I ain't stupid. I know you're way outta my league, but I'd regret it till the end if I didn't try. So I will. If this war has taught me anything, it's that each day can be the last. I'm not really good with words, but maybe… just maybe… if you hadn't killed me yet for crossing the line… maybe it means that you can accept me despite me being… well… the usual, hopeless me._

Warmth blossomed in his stomach at the thought, only to erupt into blazing heat. Sleep was a good thing and he needed it as desperately as his superior. Only that… how could he surrender his mind to rest with that warm, flushed body pressed against him? Kami, he was on fire. Strangely, the heat around his stomach was now so sinfully soft, he hardly managed to stop the purr that threatened to reverberate through his chest.

_Soft?_

Orange-brown eyes drifted open and he froze. If there was anything in the world that could turn his mind into mush, it was the softness of Kuchiki Byakuya's touch – and this was exactly where the melting heat was coming from. The feverish noble's left hand had somehow managed to slip under his shihakusho and ended up pressed against him, graceful fingers absently stroking his abs.

_Fuck._

Feeling sweat forming on his forehead, Renji shifted again to make the prominent bulge in his pants a little less evident. It turned out to be one of those ill-considered decisions that always got him into trouble because in response Byakuya stirred in his sleep, his thigh brushing against that blazing part of him that desperately craved attention.

"T-taicho," a quiet whine escaped him.

His desire was so acute it was bordering on painful now, and with blood rushing to his face and loins, the heat began spiraling out of control.

_F-fuck!_

He was in serious trouble that seemed to be… growing out of proportion… despite sincere effort to keep his desire in check.

_Great job, Abarai_, he switched to the mental conversation with himself, hoping it would prove to be a sufficient distraction. _You're fucking done for. It's just so much like you to get yourself knee-deep in shit! I should at least be smart enough to turn tail and run, but nooo… I keep wishing I could go deeper… deeper… Ugh! Not helping!_

"Cease… f-fidgeting, Renji," Byakuya admonished him in his delirium.

"S-sorry," he stuttered. "I'm kinda… distracted."

The noble blinked himself awake and slowly lifted his head to inspect the other soul reaper's flushed face. If his head had been any clearer, he would have known the reason instantly, but the fever and pain radiating from his bandaged right hand was enough to muddle his perception.

"You are… getting sick?"

"Could be," the redhead lied, not really knowing how else to explain the signs of arousal without leading his Captain to his shameful, burning secret.

"Perhaps… it would be b-best to check… your t-temperature."

All thought processes in his mind stopped when Byakuya gasped. Grey eyes grew wide as the noble finally realized where the hand he was about to place on his subordinate's forehead had wandered in his sleep. He quickly withdrew it, leaving much unwelcome emptiness in its place, but somehow the adorably cute flush spreading across the pale face proved to be ample consolation to his lieutenant.

"I… ap-pologize," the noble lowered his eyes, genuinely unsettled by his own behavior. "I am n-not… exactly… myself."

"You've been through a lot and you're sick, Taicho. Don't think about it. Think about getting well, okay?" Renji slowly threaded his fingers into the long, dark hair. "I can tell just by looking at you that the battle you fought was a nightmare… and I'm probably one lucky bastard not to remember a thing, cause I bet I would be afraid to close my eyes if I did."

When Byakuya let out a resigned breath and turned away, the redhead's heart thumped strangely in his chest.

_Why does it all have to be so damn complicated? He can read me like a book and I can't even get past his first page…_

"You should not m-make excuses for me."

"And I'm not. We all need comfort. I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't enjoy you touching me this way," Renji said quite bluntly. "So… really, no harm done."

The look of reproach he received in response almost made the redhead feel guilty. Almost. Because what started out as displeasure, unexpectedly evolved into curiosity. Renji (or his imagination) almost saw a spark of affection light up the usual darkness in those stunning, smoky eyes before Byakuya broke into a sudden bout of coughing. Renji held him steadily, then reached for the half-empty bottle of water at his side.

"Here, your body needs fluids" he did not trust the sick shinigami's shaky hand with the precious flask, and slowly brought it to the noble's lips himself. "You're sweating out every drop you drink."

Byakuya took a few sips before refusing more.

"En-nough," he gently pushed the bottle away. "You need it, too."

"When I was gathering wood, I reached the river a few times to fill the bottle and clean my wounds. It ain't far, so when we run out of water, I can simply…" the redhead paused, feeling his Captain grip his arm tighter.

"S-stay."

The words were soft and barely audible, more like a plea than one of those firm commands that Renji was so used to. They were always delivered in a calm, perfectly-controlled voice so typical of his Captain, but there was confidence behind the words, an air of authority that left others with little choice but to comply. This… was different. It sounded almost like a shy request. Strangely, he felt a strong desire to grant it as the vulnerable undertone caused a surge of protectiveness to rise up in him, and he held the slighter man closer.

"I'm not going anywhere, Taicho," he said. "I'll be staying right here, okay?"

"G-good."

Byakuya's eyelids drifted closed and he relaxed somewhat in the muscular arms, resting his head on the other man's warm shoulder. Renji was tempted to think his secret was safe now… and he could not have been more wrong. Fatigue taking over, the clan leader shifted to make himself more comfortable… and inhaled sharply, all tension returning to his muscles in an instant.

"R-ren… ji…?" his voice came out shaky, and the incomplete question was left hanging in the air to avoid exposing his fear any further.

The bigger soul reaper sighed and lowered his eyes. At this point denial was futile. Hell, was there even a point in denying it? He had been trying to tell his Captain how he felt about him for years, and if the only way to do so effectively was to let his body betray his feelings in this downright embarrassing situation…

Well, he hardly had any choice now anyway.

"Yeah, about that," he said, coloring slightly, "I know it's… well… kinda… awkward, right? Still, that's no reason to get all tense, Taicho. I'm not gonna do anything. I would never… I mean… there's no chance in hell that I'd do anything you wouldn't want."

Byakuya eyed him somewhat skeptically.

"That kiss…" he began haltingly. "I thought… you w-were just… t-trifling…"

"Trifling with you feelings?" the redhead said indignantly. "Hell no! I'm serious about this. Since that day on the Sokyoku Hill, you and Rukia have been the two most important people in my life, Taicho."

He could swear he saw a shadow of a smile touch the other man's lips.

"When you saved her and I saw you fall…" he continued, trying not to get distracted. "I realized what it would really mean to me if I never again had the chance to… to fight alongside you… Before I just thought about you as my Captain, handsome and all, but you seemed so formal, reticent and… sometimes cold, so I just thought… well… that you might not like me the way I liked you… and... and…" he took a deeper breath. "Can I be honest about it? I've been preparing that speech for years and still can't say it right. I can promise you it's so much better than this. But then it's just my luck, you know? Everything just… backfires. Can I start all over? Okay. Okay… When you saved her and I saw you fall…"

Byakuya tilted his head, his eyes widening as the other soul reaper fell into endless babbling, speaking faster and faster until the noble felt a dire need to stop him. Being wounded and sick, he could not deny his concentration span was already short. He moved his hand to stop whatever it was Renji wanted to say, but the redhead quickly grasped his palm into his own.

"No no no, just let me say just this!" he protested. "Fuck, I have to get this out!"

The noble raised an eyebrow.

"Just one last thing," the tattooed shinigami took a deep breath. "All I'm asking of you is to give me time to prove to you that I can be the person you've always wanted me to be."

The raven-haired man's look unexpectedly softened.

"You already are, Renji."

His lieutenant was readying himself to beg for that chance when the words registered and his jaw dropped. He gazed at his Captain, dumbstruck.

"Wha…?" he sqawked. "I mean… really? I'm your Fukutaicho, but I've failed to protect you from that bastard quincy… The state you're in-"

"You k-know how much…" Byakuya interrupted, leaning closer, "I hate to repeat myself".

The final words the redhead had heard so many times before were delivered into his ear in a seductive whisper and soon followed by a blazing hot tongue.

Renji's entire body jolted in response.

_How can I say "no" to this? How could anyone?_

"T-this may not be such a good idea after all, T-taicho," he managed half-heartedly. "Not when you're…"

All of a sudden Renji felt as if all air had been instantly sucked out of his lungs. Amber eyes rounded as those sinfully soft, feverish lips descended upon his. Passion burned, and any resistance there might have been left, quickly melted under the slender man's ministrations. When that fiery tongue began teasing its way into his mouth, he did not even have the decency to hesitate before granting it access. Among low-ranked officers Byakuya was known as the Ice Prince, but whoever had come up with that nickname clearly had no idea… Kami, that heat! The moment their lips met, any rational thoughts remaining in Renji's mind were incinerated…

…and suddenly revived when the slender body shivered in his arms. The small distraction was enough to smuggle reason through the flames of fiery passion, and only Renji knew how much self-restraint it took to bring that kiss to an end.

Somewhat disappointed, Byakuya tilted his head back to have a better view of his flushed, disheveled and now also panting lieutenant. His member had already been throbbing painfully, but gazing into the hazy, smoldering eyes, Renji felt his mouth run dry. A slender hand found its way under his shihakusho as a mischievous smirk crept over the noble's lips.

"You burn like fire, Renji," he murmured into the redhead's ear, his voice low and husky.

Renji could not help a soft whine.

_Kami, I am so going to regret this when we get back. But I can't do this. If I do, he's gonna hate me till the end of his days for taking advantage of him… when he was wounded, sick and totally out of it. Damn it, we both know it's the fever speaking, not him._

"T-taicho…" he muttered, hoping against hope that reminding Byakuya of his military rank would be enough of a discouragement. "I really like the direction this is all going… but ugh… I really think we shouldn't…"

"Shouldn't?"

A look of hurt crossed the clan leader's face.

"No, wait, I totally think we should!" the redhead quickly corrected himself. "Just now isn't the best moment… you being sick and injured."

The slighter shinigami sighed before burying his face in the tattooed man's neck.

"You have no idea how much I want you…" Renji continued, "and that's the reason why I can't do this. All the things I wanna do to that _gorgeous_ body of yours… things I've dreamed about for so long… if I do them when you're barely yourself, I'll blow my only chance to really be with you. Do you get what I'm saying, Byakuya? You'll never trust me again if…"

The bigger shinigami froze, alert enough to pick up suspicious sounds coming from outside the cave. The noble felt him stiffen and slowly lifted his head, blinking in confusion.

"R-renji?"

"Shh. Someone's there. Let's hope they'll just go away if we stay quiet…"

Byakuya bit his lip and leaned closer. Renji tightened his embrace around him protectively.

_With my reiatsu at this level, I will probably manage two, maybe three blasts of kido if I keep them small. If these are quincies... our survival depends on making enough noise and smoke with the kido and then running for our lives. There's no chance to pull it off when Byakuya can barely move… It's all my fault. If only I had protected him, we wouldn't even be in this situation in the first place._

_Now it's all or nothing._

Renji cringed inwardly.

_All or nothing._


	8. Chapter 8

**It's been a while since I started promising myself that  
******the next **chapter would be the final one. It's astonishing that I still believe that lie.  
Well, at least I'm one chapter closer to the end of the story.**

XXX  
XXX-XXX-XXX-XXX-XXX-XXX-XXX-XXX  
XXX

Black or white. Life or death.

If he were a human, he would think of a game of chess. A player idly waiting for his opponent to choose the color of his pieces for an upcoming game, and no, he was not the one choosing. The decision was beyond his control, and neither was it in Renji's hands. The chief player in this game was fate, and he had yet to find whether it would show them mercy or judge them with a finality that bespoke doom. He could feel the redhead's hold around him tighten, almost to the point of physical pain when a muscular hand clutched his injured arm a little too tightly.

He heard footsteps and echoing voices, but recognized none. For a brief moment, he wondered if he should blame it on his delirium or perhaps conclude that he had indeed never heard these voices before. The options were few. The cave could have been chosen by local residents looking for shelter or… discovered by attacking quincies who chose to gloat over their victory by tormenting local populace and fallen soul reapers. The color of the first uniform to appear in his field of vision would decide whether they were meant to live or die. He would have sighed if not for the risk of being heard.

Having been raised a leader, he had never been passive. Yet there he was now, waiting for this choice to be made for him….

Black or white. Life or death.

He shivered, feeling all the muscles in his lieutenant's body tense, ready to defy fate if need be. Determination in Renji's amber eyes was unmistakable and feral; it burned like fire. Although he was most likely still unable to release his shikai, he looked ready to claw his way out of the cave, using the raw, physical strength of his flesh, joints and bones. Even with the tattooed shinigami's reiatsu so low, Byakuya could almost hear its ferocious hiss as it burned under his fingertips.

_No, you have never been one to surrender easily_, the noble thought with unexpected fondness. _And you shall one day surpass me, just like you have dreamed, Renji. My time is coming to an end, but yours… has just begun. You will take my place in the division and you will conduct yourself with confidence and pride… because you deserve no less._

Black or white.

Suddenly the colors did not seem so important anymore.

Renji would survive and continue to grow no matter the outcome, this much he was sure of. He would take care of Rukia, protect her and give her a shoulder to cry on whenever she needed it; be the friend her own brother had so miserably failed to be. A rueful smile crossed the ravenette's face as he rested his head on his subordinate's shoulder, then closed his eyes, allowing the gathering darkness to distance him from reality.

_Thank you. Thank you for remaining by my side until the end._

The pleasing silence erupted into a hustle. Byakuya was too far gone to see, but the agitated voices and sudden movement still reached his consciousness halfway to the destination it was heading towards.

"Hanataro! Thank kami!" Renji's voice was hoarse and heavy with emotion, careening into a stark contrast with his usual buoyant attitude.

"Renji-san! We tried to get here as quickly as possible!"

A gasp.

"K-kuchiki Taicho!"

"Hey, Taicho?"

The warm arms around the noble loosened their hold marginally as if to allow him freedom of movement, which to the redhead's audible dismay he did not use. His body remained limp, sagging back against the offered shoulder.

"C'mon. It's over now. You hear me?" his lieutenant was growing more alarmed by the second. "T-taicho…?"

_He was so calm before_, the noble mused before something warm started patting his face, jolting him out of his thoughts. To his own disquiet, he failed to find the strength to surface and felt his head roll numbly to the side.

_I'm here, Renji. I just…_

"Fuck, he was with me just seconds before you arrived. C-can you heal him? That quincy he fought really battered him. I've tried to heal what little I could, but his sword hand… It looks really bad… I don't even k-know if what is left… is enough to… to…"

The Kuchiki heir's heart skipped a beat. _But before… you said…_

"Renji-san, you need to calm down," chided a soft voice that the Captain of the Sixth Division instantly associated with the healer who had saved his lieutenant after their battle over Rukia's execution. "We will take care of both of you, I promise."

There was a short pause.

"Kazue, Daki, ready the stretchers. Hiroto, I'll need your help here."

Byakuya felt his body being lifted, then laid on a surface far less pleasant to his senses than the tattooed soul reaper's warm chest. Something trickled down from his lips and if only he had been able to, he would have instantly winced. Shame overtook him at the very thought.

_Am I… drooling? The great leader of the Kuchiki clan reduced to… this?_

"My memory is kinda wrecked right now, Hanataro, but…" the redhead's slightly trembling voice cut in through the haze, "you've developed some leadership skills, huh?"

The soft voice sounded very close to him now. "After what happened to the Fourth Division… I had to, Renji-san."

"Lower your head, please. I need to take a closer look at that wound," another one instructed.

"F-fuck… is that blood?"

Despite his deplorable state, Byakuya felt a tinge of amusement. _Man up, Renji. You will be all right._

"Hanataro," the bigger soul reaper's tone gained a worried edge, "it's trickling from his mouth!"

"Please, stay still, Abarai-san."

"Internal bleeding," concluded the familiar healer, his voice meaningfully lowered. "Keep infusing him, Hiroto, I'm going to try to stop it."

"What about the arm, Yamada-san?"

"There's no time. Even if we focused on it now, there's no guarantee, and either way, we need to stabilize him, so that Unohana Taicho can perform the surgery."

"Stop whispering!" Renji bristled in the distance. "You wanna tell me what's going on?"

Byakuya's fatigued mind put all the pieces together with agonizing lethargy, but successfully enough to know that his likely fate was not one he could accept. His blood seemed to have turned to liquid ice as he realized all the implications. Dying in battle would at least mitigate the disgrace of losing to an enemy, but… returning crippled after such a shameful defeat? He would become a laughing stock to his own servants, not to mention the elders or other noble families. Having become utterly useless, he would be instantly removed from the position of Kuchiki clan leader and Gotei 13 Captain.

_Then, I am about to lose everything and you knew this from the start. From the very moment you lifted that boulder, Renji, you have been lying to me. You said…_

"I have localized the rupture. Can you keep up the flow of reiatsu, Hiroto?"

"I'll do my best, Yamada-san."

"H-hey!" Renji was decidedly riled now. "Hana! You fucking deaf? What is happening to him? Is he gonna be okay?"

_Renji, you said…_

"I'm very sorry, but if you do not stop moving, Abarai-san, I will have to immobilize you," a much younger voice sounded.

"Immobilize me? Whoa… what's that needle for?"

_Let go, Byakuya_, the dreadfully familiar, unsympathetic voice echoed in the noble's mind. _Would you rather not choose an honorable death than become a burden to the ones you were supposed to protect? For this is what you are going to become. A liability. They will hold on to you for as long as possible, of course, out of pity for a once great man who has fallen so low. But that, too, will have its limits... for who might truly need a crippled captain? A crippled leader? A crippled… lover?_

The injured soul reaper could not focus on providing an answer when nameless dread engulfed him. He was almost grateful when the escalating dizziness stole away his last cognizant thought.

_N-no, I… I…_

Before he could finish, darkness behind his eyelids exploded into the white brilliance of a powerful healing kido. His senses faded and his wounds ceased to hurt as he felt himself fall.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Despite the comfortable padding, Renji could not help fidgeting on a clearly displaced dining chair which had been dragged into the corridor along with two more. Healers and servants were scurrying from one room into another, occasionally sparing a glance at the troubled man with a bandaged head who stubbornly remained on his post next to a closed mahogany door, heedless of the passing time. Having ignored Hanataro's advice, the Sixth Division lieutenant had sneaked out of his bed and, hoping not to draw too much attention to himself, returned to keep watch by the door leading to Byakuya's room. It was his in every meaning of the word since Renji had quickly found out the rescue team had evacuated them to the Kuchiki Manor.

The first day of the war had taken its toll. After the attack on the Fourth Division headquarters, the noble houses had begun to offer their hospitality to sick and wounded, assigning their own attendants to help the healers. He had been told the Kuchiki clan was one of the first to open the gates of its manor, providing shelter and medical help for wounded warriors of the Gotei 13. Several high-ranked members of the Fourth Division were still in the residence, supervising what to any outside observer had to look like complete and utter chaos.

Renji knew it was anything but. Byakuya's surgery had started less than ten minutes after their arrival, which would not be possible without proper planning. Although it all boded well, the danger to his Captain's life was not yet gone and Rukia still had not returned from the battlefield, having been assigned to one of the rescue teams. He wanted to remain near his commanding officer, without Hanataro learning that his instructions had been thoroughly… ignored.

He lowered his head, hoping to better conceal the dark marks under his cinnamon eyes, which kept betraying his fatigue. No, leaving was not an option – he had made a promise and he intended to keep it.

_I won't let you out of my sight again_, his hands balled into fists so tight his wrists throbbed. _I won't let you get hurt._

He would have barged into the room hours ago if not for the healers' orders. Being in recovery after a complicated surgery and in desperate need of rest after their ordeal, Byakuya was not to be disturbed. Hell, he would never do anything to risk making things worse. All he badly wanted was to sit quietly in the corner like a fly on the wall and make sure his Captain received all the care he needed. But if Hanataro thought that uninterrupted rest was best… it probably was. The restlessness, however, did not abate with this realization, as his focus once more shifted towards his injured superior and a tinge of worry flashed in his eyes.

"Abarai Fukutaicho."

The voice made shivers go down his spine. His stomach clenched as he looked up to meet the Captain of the Fourth Division accompanied by the much younger, though clearly more exhausted, Hanataro standing dutifully by her side.

"Unohana Taicho!" Renji snapped to attention so rapidly that he barely managed to grab his chair before it tilted dangerously to the side.

"I was told you were instructed to rest," she inclined her head, offering him that frighteningly sweet smile that made his hands feel cold and clammy.

"W-well, I am resting."

"In the corridor?"

Her reiatsu rose threateningly and Renji barely managed to suppress a shiver as all his courage ebbed away from him. "M-my Captain is behind this door," he managed in a quivering voice. "I had to stay here… to make sure he's okay and that someone hears him if he needs anything."

The suffocating aura dissipated enough for Hanataro to intervene.

"R-renji-san, but when we brought Kuchiki Taicho here, I told you he will not regain consciousness for at least several hours. You need to rest as well."

"I promised I wouldn't leave him," the redhead insisted, fully expecting the enigmatic woman to use her questionable charm against him again.

Against all odds, her expression softened. "We usually offer this possibility exclusively to the patient's relatives, but considering that Kuchiki Taicho's sister has not yet returned from her mission and he should not be alone when he wakes, mutual company would be beneficial to both of you. There is not much personnel we can spare in this difficult time. I believe the same can be said about the attendants serving the family. Kuchiki Taicho will wake soon and knowing how willful he can be, he is going to need someone he trusts to encourage him to eat, drink and rest. Otherwise, he is likely to sneak away to the battlefield before he is sufficiently healed."

"Y-yeah," Renji chuckled. "That's my Taicho."

To his surprise, her previously spiking reiatsu gained a soft, pleasant feel to it. "You may stay with him if you promise to ensure he gets sufficient rest."

"I do!" the tattooed shinigami exclaimed a little too enthusiastically, earning a curious glance that instantly made him blush. "I mean… I'll see to it right away, Unohana Taicho."

"Very well, then. In the meantime, let us see how the patient is doing."

Renji watched Hanataro follow her into the room and quickly stepped in, too, quietly closing the door behind him. He had last seen his Captain right before the surgery and having been injected with a strong sedative by the healer who attended him, he barely registered what was happening around him at the time.

Now, the sight came as a shock to him, freezing him in place.

The noble was lying motionlessly on a spacious mahogany bed, dressed in a clean yukata and attached to several IV drips pumping clear liquid into his veins. The cuts and bruises were all gone, leaving his alabaster skin as pristine as ever save the dark circles under his eyes. Although Byakuya was always pale, now that pallor had a distinctly unhealthy look to it and the exposed skin on his chest, shoulders, throat and face carried a light sheen of sweat.

The symptoms were familiar, of course. A long time ago, a very similar disease had taken several of Renji's childhood friends, but then… none of the undernourished Rukongai kids could ever afford a healer. Byakuya was strong and he had the best care available, but despite it all, an unsettling thought crossed the redhead's mind.

_What if Taicho's injuries have weakened him enough for the infection to… overcome him? What if…?_

He cringed inwardly. He couldn't bear the thought…

He just couldn't.

As if to confirm his fears, there was a breathing mask over the Kuchiki heir's face and every time he inhaled, his lungs emitted that awful wheezing sound that made Renji's throat tighten. He was not the only one worried by the sound, it seemed. Several monitoring devices had been attached to the noble's chest, filling the room with a soft hum regularly interrupted by a steady beeping sound.

"T-taicho…" Renji croaked, unable to keep his voice unaffected by the sudden emotion rising in him.

Slowly, he approached the bed. He felt almost dizzy when he focused on the ravenette's right hand resting at his side, three slender fingers peeking out from under several thick layers of bandages and the rest probably hidden within the folds of the soft fabric. With unwanted tears threatening to spill, the tattooed soul reaper barely resisted the urge to shove the two healers aside and worship that hand by bringing it gently to his lips. He knew how much it meant to the man he had sworn to protect.

It meant…

…everything.

The Captain of the Fourth Division placed one palm on Byakuya's chest as the other gently curved around his cheek.

"Kuchiki Taicho," she intoned softly, green light brightening her fingers.

Byakuya winced and moaned quietly, but did not open his eyes.

"His body temperature still has not stabilized," she concluded. "We will need to increase the dose of the antibiotic, Hanataro."

The younger healer nodded. "Of course. I will update the chart immediately, Taicho."

Her skilled hand slowly slid down her patient's throat before moving over his chest. Whatever were her conclusions, she clearly intended to keep them to herself – until a pair of wide-open and cautiously hopeful amber eyes found the courage to look directly into hers, the unspoken question hanging in the air.

"I see you are quite restless today, Abarai Fukuticho," she commented, smiling, as she finished the examination.

"W-worried. Just worried," he admitted, then added quickly. "Before you suggest it, I've already got a month's worth of sedatives, and I'm not really into n-needles."

"War is a traumatic experience. Not only in a physical way. Perhaps you would benefit from counseling sessions."

He shrugged. "Ugh… I don't remember a thing, which I suppose makes me lucky. I just… I need to know if Taicho is going to get well."

She nodded.

"At this point the greatest challenge is helping the nerves in his hand to rebuild themselves. The infection may interfere with this process, but once it is cured, we should be able to restore full mobility within several weeks."

Relief flooded him like a long awaited spring rain.

"Thank kami," he managed, but paused, seeing the worried look in the healer's depthless, grey eyes. "But that's not all, is it?"

"No. We have found… traces of quincy reiatsu in his system."

The redhead inhaled sharply as a sudden memory flashed in his mind.

_"__It's b-because… that quincy…" Byakuya panted, shivering. "H-he is inside me."_

"How is that even possible?" he asked, forcing himself to focus on the present.

"We believe it may be connected with that particular quincy's special ability. The Secret Mobile Corps have provided us with some general information concerning the Sternritters' abilities, however none of the descriptions prove to be a match in this case. We have attempted to purge Kuchiki Taicho's reiatsu, but in his current condition it was not possible to isolate all of the foreign particles."

"S-so… what happens now?"

Unohana smiled bracingly. "We will continue to heal him and solve one issue at a time as the healing progresses. You will need to be patient. As for now, the wheezing in his lungs indicates an accumulation of fluid. I have evacuated a considerable amount during the surgery, but its level obviously continues to rise. If we take this into account, the infection he has contracted will most likely slow down his recovery."

Renji's heart lurched.

"How bad is it?"

"There is no reason to worry. It means his body will simply need more time to heal, but I believe that even while he is in this vulnerable condition, there are ways to make the period of recuperation more comfortable. For now, his upper body should maintain a slightly elevated position, as it will make breathing much easier while his lungs remain infected."

Hanataro instantly moved to lift the noble, but Renji was faster.

"I'll help!"

It turned out to be more a statement than an offer, and before the healer could protest, the tattooed shinigami gently lifted his superior, careful not to disrupt the IV connections. Byakuya felt strangely warm in his arms, most likely due to the unrelenting fever, but what truly disturbed him was how light he was.

"Are you sure… that Taicho is going to be alright?" he asked, desperation thick in his voice, as he watched Unohana's subordinate rearrange the pillows and smooth down the sheets.

"With proper treatment, care and rest, he shall recover," she said with relative confidence. "However, we both know that in a time of war your Captain is unlikely to pay adequate attention to his health."

"I'll make sure he does," Renji said, then carefully laid the noble back in his bed.

"Kuchiko Taicho is lucky to have such a dedicated lieutenant in his division," Hanataro gave him a knowing smile.

"Indeed, few of my patients inspire such loyalty in their subordinates," the elder healer's face brightened as well. "Please make sure that your Captain gets plenty of rest, Abarai Fukutaicho. He will regain consciousness soon, but he is not to leave his bed until a physical examination confirms his wounds have fully healed."

The redhead simply nodded, uneasily shifting his weight. He knew that as soon as Byakuya regained consciousness, this was going to be a struggle. Taking a deep breath, he finally gathered his courage to say what had been on his mind ever since he had approached the noble's bed.

"Unohana Taicho," he lowered his eyes for a moment. "Thank you. For saving his hand."

She paused in front of the door.

"I did my best. The rest is up to him," she said softly before she disappeared from the room, the younger healer following close on her heels.

Renji sighed and slowly sat down by his superior's bed, trying to ignore the burning in his eyes. He knew the noble could not hear him, but nonetheless began thinking of something appropriate to say.

"Taicho, I…" he began, but paused as he shook his head. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault. You shouldn't have gotten hurt like that, especially when you were with me. And fuck it, I can't even remember what went wrong! The Secret Mobile Corps showed up here to question me about it and I couldn't tell them how in the everloving hell that bastard managed to do this to you…"

He found himself fiddling nervously with the fabric of his shihakusho.

"And it gets worse. They were the ones who told me how he did it. You said the quincy had stolen Senbonzakura and I didn't even take you seriously. You were sick and delirious, and I thought… Fuck. I should've believed you. You were trying so hard to tell me, but I'm just… fucking stupid, you know? The bastards stole other people's bankais, too. The Secret Mobile Corps told me. Fucking cowards. I mean… the quincies, not the Onmitsukido. That ain't no honorable fight! Next time I swear I'm gonna stick these reishi arrows up their asses!"

He hit the side table with his fist and nearly overturned the drip stand in the process, catching it just in time as it already began to tilt.

"S-sorry," he sighed. "These quincies just piss me off. I just… really… wanted to tell you that… that…"

He took a deep breath. "That."

A trembling, tattooed hand carefully lifted the bandaged one and almost reverently brought it to his lips. He kissed the alabaster fingers one by one, their skin unbelievably soft against his parched lips. A familiar emotion welled up inside him, as he remembered how skillfully that inconspicuous hand had wielded Senbonzakura; how the bladed petals had pierced him through, cut him to pieces, seen through the lie he had been feeding himself. He still felt the pain at times, but learned to cherish that feeling. The unexpected battle with Byakuya had ripped the masks from their faces after years of pretending. It was liberating.

That bandaged hand had brought him both pain… and freedom; and before he knew it, he had grown to love it.

_You're so unreadable. Sometimes it's so hard to guess what you're thinking, and I feel like I risk being shredded if I guess wrong, but even so… I can't help being drawn to you. I'm hopelessly in love with you, Taicho. I've tried moving on, but I can't. Is that fate? Do you believe in fate… Byakuya?_

When the door creaked again, he slowly deposited the injured limb back at its owner's side, certain that Hanataro had forgotten some of his supplies. He froze when a familiar voice made his heart jump in his chest.

"Renji!"

The soft hum of the machines was drowned by the sound of footsteps running across the room. He turned around just in time to pull a short, raven-haired girl into his arms as she clung to him for dear life.

"Rukia!" he barely managed to keep his voice low. "I've heard you're all right, but…. Fuck, I swore to myself I wouldn't believe a word they said unless I saw you with my own eyes."

"Y-you're okay, Renji?" she sniffled into his sleeve.

"Yeah, fine. I'm fine," he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. "Taicho took the worst of it."

Big violet eyes gazed at him, brimmed with tears. With the corner of her eye she caught the sight of a man dressed in a white yukata lying in her brother's bed, but Renji instantly predicted the movement of her neck and before she managed to turn her head in that direction, he took her face in his hands.

"He's gonna be okay, you hear me?"

She nodded hesitantly. The moment his hands let go, she gasped at the sight of Byakuya's motionless and heavily bandaged form that looked even more vulnerable than when she first saw him after he had protected her from Gin's blade.

"Nii-sama…"

She ran up to him and for a moment looked like she was about to burst into tears and gather his unresponsive form in her arms. Then, all the dignified distance the Kuchiki heir had been keeping between himself and his adopted sister seemed to snap back into place. She bit her lip and recoiled respectfully.

"I promise you, he's gonna be okay," Renji ruffled her hair affectionately. "I'll make sure he is. And you… you look like crap. He would be pissed, seeing you this way. When did you last eat?"

She looked at him sharply, raising an eyebrow in much the same way Byakuya would. It struck him how similar they had become.

"I've just come back," she argued. "I haven't even had the time to take a shower. I had to make sure that you and Nii-sama…" Her voice trailed off and she dropped her gaze to the floor. "T-they said you were missing and I thought…"

"Yeah, I get it," he turned her around and coaxed her into accepting his embrace. "Now that you know we're fine, off you go before he wakes and sees you like this. You need to take care of yourself. And if you can't, I'm here to do it. He trusts me with this, and I can't fail him, especially now."

"What happened Renji?" big violet eyes looked into his. "How did you…?"

He could not help a frustrated sigh. "There's a huge black hole in my mind right now, so your brother is the only one who can answer that question. And he needs to rest."

"Will you stay here with him?"

"I ain't moving an inch from here. Unless they try to throw me out, but I'm not that easy to get rid of."

"True," she chuckled. "You're almost as stubborn as Nii-sama is."

"Almost?" he feigned annoyance. "You'd better be able to back it up with hard facts, cause I'm telling you, I can be twice as stubborn. Which reminds me – get the hell outta here, shower, eat, get some rest and when you're done, you can find Captain Unohana. She'll probably want to talk to you about Taicho's treatment."

She glanced at him, still uncertain.

"Shoo!" he stomped.

She offered him a gentle smile and nodded silently. Renji smiled bracingly, watching her leave, but deflated as soon as the door closed. He groaned inwardly as he slumped on the chair by the noble's bed.

"I feel like a liar, Taicho," he sighed as he brushed an errant strand of raven hair away from the slighter man's face. "I haven't told her about your hand. Or the quincy's reiatsu is your body. She wouldn't wanna leave if she knew… and she'd freak out if she learned you've contracted one of those nasty viruses from the Rukongai. That shit brings back bad memories, you know. You wouldn't want her to know."

He rubbed his tattooed forehead in an attempt to ease the throbbing ache in his skull.

"Fuck, I feel like shit, too. I'm in a whole lotta trouble. Unohana Taicho will tell Rukia everything anyway, though at least she will have eaten and rested by then, and as soon as she knows, she's gonna burst into the room and kill me." He chuckled at the thought. "She can be funny when she goes into that battle berserk mode, though you probably wouldn't know. She's too intimidated to do that in your presence, or maybe she just respects your noble upbringing too much."

He took Byakuya's uninjured hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I'm gonna stay here with you. If… if you need anything, you only need to give me a sign. I really need it, Taicho," he took a ragged breath. "I need to know you'll be okay."

But the only answer he received was the constant beeping of the medical equipment. He did not move from the chair even when the sun dipped below the horizon and the room was drowned in darkness.


	9. Chapter 9

**Happy New Year everyone! As 2019 ends, so does this story.  
I hope you enjoyed it! The final chapter is - yes - unimagineably long.  
I will let you decide if it's a good or a bad thing.  
Special thanks go to SesshomaruFreak, who offered me invaluable  
language help and priceless insight - thank you!**

**This chapter certainly deserves the "M" in "leMon" - you have been warned ;)**

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His consciousness was floating somewhere in the darkest depths of his mind – an abyss that for decades had served him as a bottomless pit to dispose of unwanted emotions, doubts and tears which as the leader of the Kuchiki clan he had been obliged never to shed. He had thought them long gone; but there they were… inescapable, threatening and powerful in the hands of the ruthless quincy who skillfully used every almost forgotten memory to torment him. He was haunted by the fear of losing everything he held dear and with the unforgiving, dark winterscape all around him, driven by the longing for warmth – the invigorating heat that had disappeared along with the steady heartbeat reverberating in a warm chest he had been resting on.

Without it, the cold grew almost unbearable in the Sternritter's suffocating presence and he found himself shivering inwardly. As Nodt continued to drag him over drifts of snow that seemed to stretch for miles ahead, his wrists and ankles tied as if he were nothing but deer outwitted by the hunter.

Despite being no trapped animal, he had fought for freedom with equal fervor. It took over a dozen horrors of his heart being repeatedly ripped out of his chest by his enemy's bare hand to eventually teach him that it was wiser not to resist. Still, physical pain was easier to endure than the illusion of Hisana's defiled corpse. As Nodt conjured it effortlessly and each time seemed equally elated at the intense emotion displayed on the otherwise composed noble's face. Trepidation which the quincy managed to instill within him was simply impossible to hide beneath the usual mask of calm.

As the illusion kept replaying itself in a never-ending loop, Byakuya gradually began to feel empty of all emotion. Degraded to a crimson smudge his bleeding flesh continued to taint the endless winterscape with, he was dragged further and further away from the world he knew. He had almost resigned himself to accepting his fate when he heard the white-clad ravenette gasp.

"What a surprise," the quincy mused as he grasped his captive's arm in a painful grip, dark fingernails digging into the sensitive flesh through the shihakusho. "Does he truly believe he can bring you back? He has yet to find you belong to me!"

The noble's body shuddered at the sound of his sinister voice, but he did not dare to wonder what his enemy was talking about. Hope was a dangerous thing, and he had learned it the hard way. He was inclined to believe that the pale light brightening the horizon was a figment of his mind already driven to the brink of madness before he felt ribbons of familiar reiatsu winding themselves around him. Their pleasant heat radiated through the frost as first tiny streams of water began carving miniscule ravines in the thick layer of snow beneath him and his breath finally ceased fogging the air.

That warmth unexpectedly stirred something in the noble's chest, too, and his eyes opened a little wider, sensing the power rising in his body, pulsing under his skin.

"That mongrel!" the quincy's dark eyes narrowed threateningly.

But what little strength Byakuya had surprisingly proved to be enough to break the bonds on his wrists. As they shattered, the illusion did as well. He managed to catch the other's shocked gaze before the world whirled around him and he ended on his knees again, feeling dizzy and nauseous. Willing his body not to react, he closed his eyes tightly shut in an attempt to regain his equilibrium.

To his surprise, when he slowly opened them again, the reality around him was a haze of dark brown, beige, black and crimson. He struggled to focus, blinking himself back to awareness, and soon recognized the spacious, tastefully furnished interior of his own bedroom in the Kuchiki Manor. His breath caught when he found a warm hand covering his own. As he sluggishly raised his eyes to a familiar figure resting in a chair, the crimson haze that permeated his vision turned into a mane of thick hair tied in a high ponytail.

His first attempt to speak yielded only an indeterminate sound.

It was, however, enough for a pair of dark amber eyes to snap open and lock with his still somewhat dazed ones.

"Taicho!"

The hairstyle did not leave any doubts as to the man's identity, but even if it had, Byakuya would know the enthusiastic voice anywhere, even though his eyes still struggled to recognize shapes and colors. The entire room was bathed in pinkish grey dimness typical of early dawn, and only a small, lone lamp had been lit to cast its wan light upon his features.

"R-r…"

"No, don't try to talk yet," Renji said, relief softening his features. "We can do the talking later. Now I'm here to make sure you rest."

Byakuya's glazed eyes unsuccessfully tried to follow the damp cloth gently washing his face and throat. Then, they paused at the heavily bandaged limb. His breath quickened.

"R-ren…!"

The redhead shook his head, feeling his Captain's uninjured hand slip away from under his bigger one and move towards the surgically reconstructed sword arm.

"Heh, you must be feeling better if you're at it again," he chuckled good-naturedly as he caught the determined hand, this time enclosing it in his own. "We've talked about this. No peeking under the bandages."

"L-lied," the noble said, too weak to manage more, before he scowled at his subordinate in an evident display of disapproval.

"Have a little faith, Taicho," Renji smiled bracingly. "Captain Unohana took really good care of your injuries and even though you may not feel or move your hand yet, I swear that it's still there. All five fingers, and trust me when I say I counted them myself. A few weeks from now, it will be as good as new."

The noble blinked at him. He vaguely remembered the voices of the rescue team members, but at the moment was not all that convinced they were more than a creation of his own mind. Renji was real, that he was sure of, but the rest of it… it was too good to be true. The manor, the comfortable bed he was lying in, his injured hand carefully wrapped in real bandages instead of the torn fabric his lieutenant had used… Was As Nodt toying with him again… or was it the fever?

_I have seen so many things that proved to be anything but real… What if we have never left the cave? What if this place… is just a memory brought to life by my delirious mind?_

He let out an exasperated sigh.

"Hey, what's that expression?" the redhead chided him gently. "Isn't that supposed to be good news?"

To his surprise, his Captain's voice unexpectedly managed to regain its usual air of authority, even if just for two simple words.

"G-go," he commanded. "Rukia."

The redhead looked into the resolute, steel grey eyes. "You want me to bring Rukia here, Taicho? It's barely dawn."

_What…? You are making no sense, Renji! The quincy… he has sneaked into my memories. He might return… and hurt her._

"Protect. Rukia," the raven-haired shinigami panted, his fingers tightening around the sheets. "The quincies…"

Renji visibly relaxed. "They left, Taicho. There's no need to worry, not about her anyway. Rukia is safe. She's resting in her room."

To the bigger soul reaper's astonishment, the answer only got his Captain even more restless and struggling to rise to a sitting position. He swallowed hard as determination flared in the dark grey depths, the noble's partially restored reiatsu flaring threateningly.

"If you r-refuse… t-then I will!"

"No no no, don't!" the tattooed man gasped as he barely managed to hold his superior's hand down in time to stop him from pulling out one of the IV lines.

"L-let go!"

"Taicho, if you don't stop, Captain Unohana's gonna have to bind you!" he gave the noble's currently trapped hand a gentle squeeze. "Please, I don't wanna hurt you."

Byakuya made a hoarse sound indicative of pain and Renji stiffened, instantly lessening his hold. "S-sorry," he said quickly. "I'm so sorry, but… you have to st-"

He yelped when his superior used the distraction to wrestle the uninjured arm from his grip. He had yet to learn how deadly the Sixth Diision Captain could be even when the healers had deemed him unable to eat or walk on his own. With the corner of his eye he saw a fist aimed right at his jaw. His eyes widening, Renji realized that in his current position it was already too late to block the incoming blow – and prepared himself for a fair amount of pain.

Green light brightened the room. Surprised, the noble saw it flare, freezing his fist mid-air and sending his thoughts spinning down into a dark abyss before numbness settled in. Feeling terribly guilty, Renji observed the noble with worried, cinnamon eyes as he slumped back against the pillows, his body going limp in an instant.

"H-hanataro?" he turned to the healer he had found standing at the other side of the bed.

Meeting his questioning gaze that held a silent accusation, the slender man responsible for the intervention chortled sheepishly as he began to rub the back of his neck. "Gomennasai, Renji-san. I did not mean to startle you. It was only a sleep kido, you need not worry."

"It wasn't necessary," the redhead argued. "Taicho's not violent or anything, he was just distressed over Rukia."

The dark-haired healer raised an eyebrow. "Rukia-san?"

"Well, he didn't really believe me when I told him that she's fine, and neither gave me enough time to explain," Renji shrugged.

Hanataro only shook his head, smiling. "Years of practice have taught me that cat-quick reflexes are an important trait when treating Kuchiki Taicho."

"Heh, it's the same when it comes to serving under him," Renji answered with a tentative grin. "But he's gonna be all right now?"

"Yes. He is lucky to have you by his side, Renji-san."

"I'm his Fukutaicho. It's my duty to see to his safety," he explained, watching the other remove an empty fluid bag from the IV stand before replacing it with a full one.

"We both know there is more to this," Hanataro said quietly, his smile turning into a triumphant grin.

"Whatever, smartass," the redhead turned his face away, hoping that the warmth he felt was not too evident on his face. Although his feelings for his Captain had been obvious to everyone around him long before he admitted them to himself, he still felt embarrassed when his friends hinted at what was really hiding under his proud notion of loyalty.

After the young healer's departure, everything became quiet again and only the beeping of the medical equipment continually broke the silence. Renji dutifully returned to his chair by the bed. When morning came, one of Byakuya's attendants brought him hot tea with a plate of cooked salmon and rice, but he only took a few bites and could not convince himself to eat more. The food was delicious, but his stomach clenched every time he glanced at the Kuchiki heir's sweat-drenched body – pale, bandaged and wracked with fever.

Seeing his Captain in such a vulnerable condition, without the symbols of his status and power, felt strangely out of place, and though he knew the last thing that Byakuya probably wanted was for his subordinate to see him like this, he could not make himself leave. Even when Rukia barged into the room and tried to throw him out to take a shower, eat and sleep, he refused, threatening to secure his place by his Taicho's side with his blade if need be. In the end, the petite ravenette relented and after sitting next to him for several hours, left to help the injured brought from the battlefield.

As the blood-red sun disappeared behind the horizon, Renji – too long deprived of sleep – eventually nodded off despite his determination to keep vigil. The manor grew dark and quiet, the busy footsteps in the adjacent corridor eventually fading into night-time stillness. Amongst perfect silence, a quiet whimper was enough to wake the tattooed shinigami, and his hand instinctively slid to his blade before he realized that the source of the sound was right in front of him.

Byakuya was sweating profusely, his body shivering. Another whimper left his throat as he tossed his head to the side, pain written all over his face.

Renji instantly jumped from his seat.

_Another nightmare… Is the quincy's reiatsu causing them?_

"Taicho," he said as he gripped the other man's arm, hoping to rouse him. "Wake up."

The moment he touched the noble, his eyes snapped open, wide and frightened, before the traces of fear disappeared under an imperfect mask of control he obviously had difficulty maintaining in his delirium. Renji watched him take a deep, shuddering breath as he blinked himself awake, casting uncertain glances around the bedroom.

"R-renji," he managed as his gaze finally came to rest on his subordinate.

The redhead's expression softened, tired amber eyes locking with the other shinigami's clouded ones. "Yeah, I'm here. Not going anywhere. Try to sleep some more, okay?"

"H-he… will be back," Byakuya said uncertainly. "It's so cold."

Renji took the liberty to sit on the edge of the bed and gently touched the noble's forehead.

"It's the fever," he concluded, then picked a glass of water from the nightstand before handing it to his Captain. The soft, trembling fingers wound themselves around his as he helped the noble lift the glass to his lips.

"It's gonna take some time for the drugs to fight off that nasty virus," he continued, trying not to get too distracted by the velvety touch. He waited for the ravenette to finish sipping the water, then moved to return the glass where it belonged.

"I have n-never… realized how warm… your r-reiatsu is," the slighter man muttered, his gaze following the withdrawing hand with unexpected longing.

The redhead felt his heartbeat quicken. "Um, y-yeah, it's pretty… fierce."

"No, you d-do not understand."

"I don't think I…"

"It m-melts the ice within my soul," fatigued grey eyes rose to meet his lieutenant's amber gaze expectantly.

The tattooed shinigami felt as if his thumping heart suddenly did a flip flop in his chest. "Taicho…"

"D-don't let go," Byakuya continued so quietly, Renji was inclined to believe he had imagined it. "It's so c-cold when he... when he…" His voice faded to silence as his eyes slid closed once again overcome by the fever, and he began to drift off again.

If the redhead had any doubts about what he was about to do, his Captain's request silenced them all. He gulped down the fear of being found in the heir's bed by one of his healers or attendants, and slowly laid next to him, determined to keep a respectful distance. He extended his arm and carefully enclosed Byakuya's uninjured hand in his.

A small smile tugged at the clan leader's lips at the gesture.

"Thank you," he whispered without opening his eyes. "F-for keeping him away."

Renji nodded. He wasn't sure what the noble was talking about, but that did not prevent him from offering his entire self to the man lying next to him. As gently as he could, he wrapped his reiatsu around his Captain, hoping to bring him the warmth he longed for, then relaxed against the pillows. The soft bedding and the finally peaceful rhythm of the ravenette's heart reflected in the steady beeping of the medical equipment soon lulled his mind to sleep.

He could not tell how much time had passed, but it was still dark when the sweet scent of sakura roused his senses. Cinnamon eyes cracked open to find Byakuya snuggled against him, his comely face buried in the crook of his neck. He could feel soft fingers lazily caressing his tattooed chest, having obviously succeeded in sneaking under his shihakusho unnoticed.

"T-taicho?" he whispered.

"Mmm?" answered the noble, not opening his eyes.

Renji took a deep breath and cleared his throat, trying to think of something appropriate to say. "Your hand… got tangled with the fabric of my uniform."

That barely _touched_ the problem, but it was the most he could say without stating the obvious.

"Do you wish for me… to untangle it?"

Renji shivered. He certainly did not expect that kind of answer. Question, as it were. As innocent on the outside as his had been, it conveyed so much more beneath the surface – things he was determined not to think about right now.

_Hell. What kind of answer did I expect? And what am I to say? Words wouldn't even begin to describe what I'd do to that gorgeous body if only circumstances were different… And we both know it would just scratch the surface of what I truly want._

_I want…_

_I want more. _

_I want all of him. _

_I want to kiss every single scar on his body. _

_I want to take away his pain and let him know I'll never fail him again._

A gentle touch of a finger tracing his jawline jolted him from his thoughts. He blinked to meet a pair of smoldering grey eyes boring into his.

"Am I no l-longer… desirable to you?"

Renji bristled at the quiet question.

"Hell no, you're gorgeous!" he blurted to the noble's amusement, only to find himself blushing furiously. "I… I mean… you know how I feel about you. But I can't do this when you're still sick. I don't wanna hurt you and I need to be sure it's your conscious choice… when… _if_ you decide you still want… this. Me. If you still want me."

The ravenette gave his lieutenant a barely perceptible, enigmatic smile before he withdrew his hand and rested his head on a tattooed arm. The bigger soul reaper felt his heart deflate.

_Way to go, Abarai. Now you've disrespected him._

"Taicho?" he asked, insecurity evident in his voice. "You mad?"

"No. I accept your terms."

"Y-you do?"

His Captain's voice did not sound again that night. Renji thought that it might have had something to do with his superior hating to repeat himself, or maybe he simply drifted back to sleep. When dawn broke, the redhead quietly left the soft sheets and returned to his chair beside the bed to avoid unnecessary speculations. He could only hope that what had blossomed between them would not end with the night.

Sadly, this seemed to be the case.

The next day Renji was cleared to resume duty and with the horrendous amount of work that needed to be done after the quincy attack, he could no longer remain by his Captain's side. Their division was a mess – something he did not want his superior to witness, let alone deal with, having been so gravely wounded. Thus, he took it upon himself to ensure an honorable burial of every fallen squad member and organize the documents before the noble's return. Kami knew how much he hated paperwork, but his determination hardly left him with any time to sleep as he worked through endless piles of reports, filling in forms and writing letters of condolence to families who had yet to find that their kin would not be returning home.

Many soul reapers defending the Seireitei with their lives had paid the ultimate price, and much more were still missing, so even though he wanted to visit his Captain in the manor to see how he was doing and offer him his company, he had to settle for hearing any news about the noble's condition from his sister.

"Nii-sama is… a difficult patient," she said, sipping at a cup of tea she grudgingly accepted, having just delivered a stack of reports from the Thirteenth, "but he's very determined to get better and return to the division as soon as possible."

"I bet he's badgering Unohana Taicho for a clearance to return to duty," Renji smirked, lifting his head from the form he had been filling.

"You have no idea," Rukia flashed him a grin before she lowered her eyes and her expression turned somber. "You know how determined he is to defend Soul Society. He's certain the quincies will be back soon."

"I'm not gonna lie to you," the redhead sighed, rubbing his forehead. "They're gonna get here to finish what they started."

An uneasy silence fell between them.

Renji cleared his throat. "Uh… is he still.. having those nightmares?"

Rukia did not raise her gaze, rubbing her feet together nervously. "He doesn't want to talk about it."

"Yeah. I kinda thought he wouldn't."

She placed the now empty cup on the edge of the desk, careful not to disturb an impressive stack of papers. "Thanks for the tea. I should get going. My division is waiting for me and there's still so much to be done."

The redhead rose as well before extending his arms in her direction. "C'mere."

She smirked at the invitation and flew into his arms with such force that her lithe frame was enough to push him backwards.

"Hell, either you've grown stronger or you're getting plump!" he complained in mock displeasure, then yelped as her elbow connected with his ribs. "O-oh fuck, definitely stronger," he rasped. "Do you know if they've finished repairing the barracks?"

'Repairing' was actually a mild word for the task of practically rebuilding the damaged structures, but he knew his childhood friend had ample reason to worry even without being reminded of the tragedy that had befallen them all.

She looked up at him. "They did, and the training grounds should be cleaned up by tomorrow. I saw the last of the debris being dragged away on my way here."

Renji's face brightened. "That's some good news. My squad is pissed as shit that some quincy bastard dared to lay a hand on our Captain, and I'd rather see them take that anger out on training targets than some random guy in the bar."

Rukia answered him with a knowing smile, having read his feelings between the lines like she always did. "Well, you'd better make sure they don't ruin the division before Nii-sama's return," she winked.

With her departure, the office grew quiet again. By the time the sun set, the tower of papers waiting on the left side of the redhead's desk lost quite a few levels and the small stack on his right tripled in size. He had just decided to take a short break for dinner when the door opened slowly, leaving him frozen mid-stride in the middle of the room. His Captain held his eyes with such confidence as if the war was no more than a distant memory. Despite his right arm resting in a sling, maintaining his usual poise and grace did not seem to be a challenge; to the contrary, the air of dignity was so strong, Renji was inclined to believe it was innate, written in the noble's genes.

"T-taicho," Renji's attempt at keeping his emotions in check failed miserably. "What are you doing here?"

Once the words left his mouth, the redhead wanted to slap himself in the face.

_Well done, idiot_, he thought. _That was the worst possible welcome you could give him._

Byakuya frowned as he closed the door. "Abarai. Have I been gone so long that you have forgotten who leads this division?"

The tattooed soul reaper felt his entire body tense as he began backpedaling quickly. "N-no, sir! I was simply worried about your health. Has Captain Unohana cleared you for duty?"

The noble eyed him, a gentle frown instantly betraying his dissatisfaction. "Not for field missions. However, I am allowed to aid my division in any _other_ way." This said, he moved past his subordinate and slowly placed a small bundle of papers on his desk.

"Paperwork?" Renji asked incredulously. "But Taicho, your right hand…" his voice faded into silence under the other's disapproving gaze. "O-okay. I'm sure your hand will be fully functional really, _really_ soon, but right now…"

A flash of indignant mortification crossed the noble's features before he resumed his scowl. "It may be a surprise to you, Abarai, but my left hand is almost as skilled in calligraphy as my right one. Only, perhaps, less efficient. Knowing how much work remains to be done, I believe that even in this… reduced state, my assistance will still be useful."

If Renji wanted to slap himself before, now he began to consider volunteering for a suicide mission.

_Damn it! Why does everything I say backfire? Now he's probably thinking I consider him useless. Talk about being useless… Making all my dreams go down like a sinking ship is the only thing I'll ever be good at._

The redhead sighed, clearly at a loss for words to express his thoughts without getting on his Captain's nerves more than he had already had. Considering the matter settled, Byakuya took out a pen and unexpectedly…

…found his lieutenant standing on the other side of the room with the bundle of papers he had brought into the office pressed against his chest. The noble smiled internally at the blazing flash step – the result of over a decade of training – though on the outside offered his subordinate a chilling scowl that made him freeze in place. Despite being grateful for the redhead's concern (sans the usual clumsiness), he simply could not allow the discipline in the division to become lax.

"S-sorry, Taicho," Renji muttered, "but you should be resting. I can take care of this."

"Abarai, you-"

"I'll do it tonight!" he supplied quickly. "It will be done before morning."

"Fuku-" the ravenette started, his gaze sharp, before he was once again interrupted by his increasingly agitated subordinate.

"In two hours!"

Now it was Byakuya who engaged in an uncompromising flash step. Having served in the division for quite some time, the bigger soul reaper had yet to surpass the one who taught him how to use the technique and before he could react, the bundle of papers was within his Captain's reach. It was the moment the redhead realized he was clinging to the documents so tightly that the noble would probably tear them apart if he indeed tried to intercept them.

"Abarai Fukutaicho," Byakuya's voice was surprisingly calm, his face deliberately impassive. "You hate paperwork."

The younger man nodded much more enthusiastically than he had intended. "Y-yeah. But what I hate even more, is watching my injured Captain overexerting himself when he should be resting."

"Your concern, however welcome, is unnecessary."

"It's extremely necessary," Renji insisted. "You almost died!"

Byakuya shook his head in capitulation. His lieutenant was difficult to argue with when it came to his well-being, so the noble merely sighed. He was not in any shape for a dispute and the redhead was stubborn enough to provoke one if need be. Gazing into the determined, cinnamon eyes, the raven-haired shinigami could not help his expression softening a little, but quickly turned away not to let it show.

"Very well," he said, returning to his desk. "Do as you wish."

Renji gaped at him like a fish, expecting his superior to turn around any moment now and snatch the documents when he least expected it. That, however, did not happen. When the clan leader resumed his seat, the tattooed shinigami walked back to his own desk and casting uncertain glances at the Kuchiki heir, began reading the papers.

"Um… Taicho?" he asked after a moment's hesitation. "The deadline for this is… in two days?"

The noble's lips quirked.

"You come here to do tomorrow's work when you're still healing?" Renji frowned, in vain trying to understand.

When the other man looked at him, he could swear there was warmth in those dark grey eyes; the warmth he had not seen since he had left the Kuchiki Manor.

"To tell the truth, these documents offered me something I was in great need of," answered the ravenette.

He blinked. "Paperwork?"

"No, Renji. An excuse to come here."

"Right. You just wanted to make sure I haven't left the division in ruins," the redhead blushed, his hand reflexively moving to scratch the back of his neck.

Cold steel of Byakuya's eyes suddenly brightened with an unexpected gleam. "Actually, I am here for a different reason."

"Oh," the tanned man felt like he was missing something important, but for the love of kami, could not recognize what it was. "W-well, can I help you in any way, Taicho?"

"I was hoping that you would. I have come to give effect to our prior agreement."

"A-agreement?" Renji gulped.

"Your terms included making a conscious choice," the noble continued, slowly unwinding the white silk scarf from his neck, which eventually left the porcelain skin of his throat completely naked, and Renji – struggling to understand the words as the rapid beating of his heart drowned all other sounds.

"I-I think I've clearly misunderstood something, Taicho," he muttered, entranced.

"To the contrary. I believe that years of serving together in the Gotei 13 have allowed us to understand each other flawlessly."

Renji's mouth went dry all of a sudden when having carefully folded the scarf and placed it on his desk, the Captain rose from his chair and began removing his haori. Every single movement was graceful and sensual, and spoke volumes in a most stimulating way the redhead had ever experienced. He licked his lips, already feeling beads of sweat forming on his forehead, his member throbbing almost painfully.

"I know you have dreamed about this for years, Renji," Byakuya slowly made several steps towards his quarters, the deep, velvety timbre of his voice sending a wave of warmth through the redhead's body. "With the future being so uncertain, the present is hardly a given. The war has almost separated us and when the quincies return… we may not get another chance."

He paused, waiting for his subordinate's reaction, an undecipherable glint in his smoky grey eyes.

"Would you let fate make the decision for us, Renji?"

The bigger soul reaper desperately wanted to answer, but he felt as if his tongue had been tied in knots. As clumsy with words as he was, he quickly realized they would do him little good anyway, and with the electricity arcing between them, the heat in his loins grew almost unbearable.

"F-fuck!" he roared and before he knew it, with a lightning-fast flash step he literally slammed the slighter man against the closed wooden door leading to his quarters before assaulting the alabaster skin of his throat in complete abandon.

"I… I would not… object," the noble panted in response before the tattooed shinigami silenced him with a searing kiss.

An insistent tongue plunged into the ravenette's sinfully soft mouth for decades dedicated to maintaining the proper distance between superior and subordinate by depriving that deep, sensual voice of any sign of affection. How many years have they irretrievably lost this way? Renji knew he would mourn every single night he had not spent holding that deceptively delicate body in his arms, and yes… there would be time for thought… later.

Slender fingers digging into his back only fueled the passion burning in him, driving his tongue into a fiery tango with the noble's. Clearly, the ravenette was not as experienced in the art of kissing as his lieutenant, but Renji could not care less in that moment, his desire greedily devouring whatever was offered, though mindful to remain in control of his instincts to avoid making any contact with the bandaged hand. Still, his insistent kiss had left the smaller man breathless, his legs weakening from the lack of air before his left hand wound around the tattooed neck for support.

Byakuya could not help a groan of pleasure when the redhead's thigh brushed against his arousal. Slate-grey eyes darkened with lust before sliding halfway shut. Determined not to let the pleasure overwhelm them too soon, the redhead slowly ended the kiss, his tongue teasingly tracing the noble's flushed lips as it withdrew.

"R-ren…ji," the older soul reaper gasped, struggling for breath. "M-my quarters."

The redhead grinned, baring his canines in a thrilling promise and before the clan leader could react, his feet lost contact with the floor. A blazing fast flash step sounded as the world whirled around him and he was thrown on the bed, then quickly deprived of all his clothes. There was a tearing sound somewhere along the way, but at that point Byakuya was too lost in those dark pupils dilated with ferocious, insatiable hunger. The moment his superior was naked, the bigger shinigami's expression softened, his movements unexpectedly becoming gentler in an almost protective way.

"Just looking at you makes it hard to breathe," Renji murmured, rapt at how the noble's comely face lost some of its usual paleness when bathed in the warm lamplight.

The ravenette cast his eyes demurely downward in response and he had to bite his lip not to chuckle. He had never imagined the great leader of the Kuchiki clan to look so shy when complimented on his appearance, but then – he realized – the nobles were awkward about so many things that in the Rukongai were nothing short of natural.

In breathtaking silence, cinnamon eyes travelled lower, taking in beautiful expanses of alabaster skin, well-defined though not overly muscular chest and toned stomach, all the way down to the noble's already leaking member. Renji licked his lips. He had not expected to evoke such a strong reaction so soon – not from a man that most people considered dispassionate and difficult to impress.

He unhurriedly traced the pale chest, feeling the slender soul reaper's pulse quicken beneath his fingertips. "You are beautiful, Byakuya."

It was hard to miss the shiver that went through the body beneath his own.

"You like it when I say your name, don't you…" he moved closer and whispered the final word straight into a blushing ear. "Byakuya?"

Renji did not fail to notice the adorable flush, which spread across the older man's face, and instantly caught his chin gently to stop him from turning away.

"No. Don't hide from me. You are beautiful like this."

The dreamy grin on Renji's face bordered on something disturbingly lunatic. Having smelled no alcohol, Byakuya had to wonder, at least briefly, if his lieutenant was, after all, in his right mind until those hot lips began brushing against his neck again. Within moments, the kisses became more feral and sharp teeth began to drag along his flesh, and he could not help a moan that escaped his throat against his will. When a tanned hand slid down to his stomach, the muscles there clenched in reaction, and he could not stop the heat spreading through his body into that very neglected part of him that craved to be touched.

"Renji!"

"Not quite as patient as it would seem, huh?"

Byakuya feigned ignorance as to what the tattooed man's smirk suggested, and for the first time chose action over words as he began depriving the redhead of his clothes layer by layer. Doing this with one hand was a challenge, so Renji eventually took mercy on his superior. In no time he removed the remaining garments to uncover those alluring jagged tattoos covering his sun-kissed skin in places that more often than not remained covered by the soft fabric of his fundoshi. The noble's eyes widened once he realized how far _exactly_ the intricate patterns reached.

"You like what you see?" the Rukon dog asked smugly.

Byakuya snatched his hand back as if stung, but the redhead was quick enough to catch it in his own. "No," he encouraged. "You can touch. And taste. All you want."

The noble blinked at him, his face charmingly flushed, and eventually offered a barely perceptible nod. He slowly reached behind the other man's head to remove his hair tie before spreading the long, red strands around the tattooed shoulders. Even though the sight of his lieutenant's magnificent red mane instantly reignited the desire in his eyes, Renji could tell how tense he was.

"You haven't done it in a while," he commented, trying to keep his voice as gentle as he could. The last thing he wanted was for his superior to get the wrong idea, mistaking his concern for ridicule.

"No, not since Hisana… not since my wife's death."

He nodded, watching the smaller shinigami extend his hand to trace his tattoos. The unbelievably soft fingers felt heavenly, brushing against his skin. "I bet you've wanted to touch them for a long time," he smiled.

"Yes," the ravenette answered truthfully. "Looking at them has many times… rekindled my spirit in difficult circumstances. They speak of a man who lives and fights with a passion that sets the world on fire."

"And you ain't afraid you're gonna get burned?" Renji asked provocatively.

A corner of Byakuya's mouth curved up. "Burned? I am already ablaze."

Smoldering grey eyes flitted to the tattooed face as if searching for any sign of objection before his alabaster fingers slid further down, tracing the markings from his inner thighs towards those showing through a nest of thick, red curls. Renji moaned, his eyes drifting closed when those soft fingers finally curled around his member, providing a slow, steady stimulation. He was on the brink of his sanity when a skillful tongue began stroking the tattoos on his neck, applying gentle suction that sent goosebumps racing down his spine.

"Oh… shit…"

He gasped as the ravenette's teeth dragged along his skin, sending an electric jolt that made his inflamed member twitch. Poor as it was, his self-control snapped easily. Passion overriding his senses, he lurched forward, toppling the shocked noble and attacking his pale throat. His muscular body shamelessly sought the sinful friction that held a promise of completion for both of them. Writhing against him, Byakuya moaned when a hand reached between their bodies to wrap around his damp hardness, driving him to clutch at the sheets. His hips arched reflexively.

"Oh!" he panted, making Renji purr at the sound.

"I know it's difficult for you…" the redhead murmured, already breathless, "but I have to ask. Have you ever been… with a man?"

The uncertain look he received in response offered him all the information he needed. He rested his forehead against the ravenette's, tanned fingers abandoning the other man's flushed privates and sliding down towards his entrance.

"Do you trust me?" he asked, deliberately rubbing a circle around it.

The gleam in his lieutenant's eyes gave the noble a small thrill of anticipation. He placed his palm over the tattooed man's heart. There was something in that deep, steady rhythm that dispelled any doubts he might have had.

"I trust you," he answered.

The white thighs parted willingly under Renji's hands and he instantly began a careful preparation. Byakuya flinched in discomfort, but was too proud to let even a single sound of pain escape his throat. Before long, what did escape him were moans of pleasure as the tattooed soul reaper's fingers found that secret spot deep within him. Within moments, he was panting and his eyes glazed over.

"Renji, please…"

He was not sure what he was asking for, but his lieutenant seemed to know nonetheless and soon something much bigger than his fingers entered him in slow, careful thrusts. His breath hitched. Renji bit his lip, the heat that engulfed him threatening to crest his pleasure there and then. As soon as he regained control over his instincts, concerned amber eyes flitted towards the slighter shinigami whose expression betrayed the discomfort he felt despite the redhead's careful preparation. His lips soothingly brushed Byakuya's mouth, the tip of his nose and even his eyelids before gently moving up to kiss the sweat-misted forehead.

"Shh," he murmured. "The pain will be gone soon. I pro-" he broke off as a warm hand was pressed against the back of his neck, forcing their mouths to collide with bruising intensity.

When the noble's tongue thrust into his mouth engaging in a battle for domination with his own, his resolve to take things slow melted in the scorching heat between them. As he moved and was rewarded with a moan of mixed pain and pleasure, desire consumed his reason, the passionate hunger unleashing the wild animal within him. Common sense abandoned him and all that was left was that desire to go deeper. He moved relentlessly, the rhythmic sound of flesh meeting flesh the music of their lovemaking.

When he changed the angle and found the slighter man's prostate, Byakuya moaned uncontrollably, desperate for pleasure.

"R-renji… oh…"

Muscular hands gripped his slender hips to hold him firmly in place as his thrusts became more forceful, sparking completely new sensations in the man beneath him. Byakuya's eyes were wide open now, his face flushed, long raven hair disheveled and any semblance of composure long gone, and Renji could not help being even more aroused by the sight, his member twitching and blood rushing in his ears.

_S-so close…_

His body tensed as his movements lost their rhythm and he began a barrage of heavy, desperate thrusts that spurred the noble to lock his legs around a tanned waist. Byakuya's shallow, erratic breathing and heart ramming against his chest brought forth a dizzying feeling of elation. Several thrusts later bliss crashed over him before centering on his groin, and he came, his essence pulsing out on their naked bodies. Unable to control his reactions any longer, he called out his lover's name.

The sudden, euphoric cry triggered a powerful reaction in Renji's loins, driving him to increase the tempo as he kept rocking his hips in a frenzied race to the pinnacle of mutual pleasure. Feeling Byakuya tighten around him, he knew he wasn't going to last much longer. With a shudder instantly followed by a wild howl of pleasure, his passion erupted into a wave of searing heat that brought bright spots dancing before his eyes.

The finishing undulations sent that liquid fire deep into the glorious body he had plundered. The ravenette gasped at the hot ecstasy, pale fingers helplessly raking the bigger man's muscular back as the world around him turned into a dizzying blur. Desperate not to pass out while coming down from the peak, the redhead fought to bring his breathing under control and regain his equilibrium as he began to kiss the dazed noble while still buried inside him.

"Aishiteru yo, Byakuya," he said dreamily, still recovering from the intense bout of pleasure. His face displaying an indefinable emotion akin to reverence, he lifted an alabaster hand before grazing his lips over the tips of his Captain's fingers. "You are everything to me. I will not fail you again."

Lightheaded from their lovemaking, the ravenette looked back at him with clouded eyes, unable to focus or even hear anything through the blissful hum in his head.

"It's okay," Renji offered him a warm smile as he continued to caress his slender body, careful to avoid touching the bandaged hand. "You're just a little overwhelmed. Rest a bit. I'll take care of you."

_I will always take care of you_, he silently promised, pulling the naked clan leader a little closer. _I don't care what it takes. I will fight for the right to do it even if it means killing a dozen quincies. I'll kill all the Sternritters if I have to and that freak who hurt you is going down first._

Unaware of the redhead's thoughts, his superior only blinked sleepily, nuzzling his cheek against a tattooed arm. Renji curled his sun-kissed body around him until his large frame covered the slender one almost entirely, as if wishing to protect him from the dangerous world outside. They both knew that what awaited them was most likely the grim reality of upcoming battles, but when they lay buried in each other that night, the hectic realm around them suddenly seemed to make more sense than it did before.

Because they had each other.

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_THE END_

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